In a flash

“I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” ― Rosamund Lupton

It's amazing at how much one can work so hard and make so many changes and fight to overcome so many battles just to have one glimpse shatter it; gone in a flash; in one recognition from the past. Five minutes in hell seems like an eternity when the past comes crashing down on you and you can't breathe. You can't think. You become that deer in a headlight with all these thoughts racing through your head.

You see, for some, the chance to leave the guilt and shame of a lifetime behind comes and they are strong enough to grasp a hold and leave guilt and shame in the dust without ever looking back. Others feel in order to really pay for their mistakes and suffering caused, that guilt and shame must be lived daily.  For some,  it may feel like we've finally gotten past those feelings and have let go of all of the mental self mutilation behind. Hell, we actually believe that we've grown and learned from those mistakes that we made throughout our lives that caused that eternity of pain for so many.

Then it happens.... In a flash, I'm reminded that all of the pain and hurt that I endured was a direct result of my own doing. My choices in this life have lead me through hell. My poor choices led me through the doors to a table of guilt and shame in all varieties, forms and tastes. A life of gluttony with more than just bad eating habits; choice after choice acting as mortar in the bricks of the wall I built around myself.  Choice after choice creating the guilt and shame that became my body armor both mentally and physically. That body armor is the same that I have struggled with and bloodied my knuckles to tear down, piece by piece, day by day, choice by choice.

It amazes me that such determination, will and endurance to change can be cracked with just a flash of pain from the past. That gasping for air because I'm drowning all over again and then the remembrance and familiarity of the waves of guilt and shame washes over.  That familiarity that was home for so long. In a flash, it could become the comfort of home once more.

In my life, I have made many choices and I live the result of said choices every day.  Betrayal, regret, guilt, shame.... They are emotions caused by many of my choices. Those same choices, though have given me the chance to make choices that I wouldn't change. Choices that despite the pain, suffering and hardship have given me a fighting chance in this thing called life.

Just this morning, I was reminded that life's betrayals happen for the greater good; for growth. It was a truly ironic day for such a sermon this morning. Never, would I have imagined that I would be reminded in a much harsher way, just hours later, that unless I am constantly removing bricks, piece by piece, the walls and the body armor will rebuild itself. This battle that I fight every second will never truly be over. There will never be a winning flag to wave at the end of the war, claiming final victory.

I was also reminded today that there will never be a white flag waved either. I will fight this battle within, till my death. I will battle guilt and shame and work to keep the walls and armor torn down, day in and day out to make sure that the person I am today remains and that the person that once was is just someone that once was.  Today I find comfort in knowing that my knuckles may always be bloodied but those walls and my armor will not be rebuilt. I continue to be take it down brick by brick, piece by piece, day by day.

~Angela

"Look at me" NOT

When you're a fat girl, one of your worst fears is people looking at you or staring at you. You worry about going into stores. You really worry about exercising because god, what would those thin bitches think.  Realistically, you do everything you can not not be noticed.  Somehow, I thought that would all change as I lost weight and oddly enough, I still hear those same voices in my head even now. Sometimes their different, "she's not really one of us" or "she did it the easy way so it doesn't count". Other times, I hear the same stuff I did before. Stuff like "she's way too fat for those clothes" or "should she be eating that".    One day, someday, I hope the voices in my head go away.  I'd like to say they will but who knows, really.

Today, I weighed in and I made it into the high 120's. (128.6).  One would think I would be able to carry off the attitude of "look at me" like the skinny girls do. You see the problem with that, is that I don't consider myself skinny.  Yeah, I get it. I know the scales say I am. I know everyone around me sees me as skinny. It gets pointed out often (sometimes not in a nice way) but still, my brain hasn't caught up to everyone else. I "didn't get the memo" so to speak.

The "Breaking out of the armor" title means something to me. For me, breaking out of this armor that I have carried decades means more than just losing weight. For me, it is as much an internal armor as it is a physical armor that I hide behind. I have left many many pieces of that armor (both internal and external) laying behind on the road of this journey.  I have more to leave behind still. It is much harder to leave the internal armor behind as it protects me so much from pain and hurt and emotions that I simply don't like feeling. I will get there though, one piece of armor at a time, until I am really ready to say "look at me, no more armor".

I started this blog to remind me of my journey. I wanted to look back from the beginning and throughout the journey and see my struggles, my fears, my accomplishments.  I am extremely thankful that I started this blog. It really helps me reflect back and it really helps me to see "me" now. I look at others on their weight loss journeys and it gives me hope and strength knowing that they are working hard and one day will look back and see how far they have come. Some may struggle with it like me, others may not. Either way, I hope that they are keeping a journal/blog of their own journey to reflect upon.

Today, my reflection is of this. If I were to lose eight more pounds, I will have lost HALF of myself. That's insane, truly, truly, insane. It's hard to grasp your mind around. Now I'm not looking to lose eight more pounds. I want to start building muscle and level out about the weight I am at now. I'm sure I'll lose a little more but then muscle weight will kick in and hopefully balance me out. That's the game plan anyway. :D

As I end this entry, to those reading my blog, take the time to reflect often on whatever journey in life you're on. Shell shock is still shell shock even if no one else can see or understand it but you.  :D

Before taken May 16th at 241 lbs

 Taken March 2nd at 128.6 lbs

I need to find this!

Really, truly.... I know it's time for me to start this part of my journey. It's amazing at what a little fear of hurting my back again can do, mixed with lack of energy and umph to do it.  I KNOW that I need to do this for myself. I know that I need to involve my family and increase our activity and exercise. I just have to jump that hurdle and start doing it. That old saying of it only takes 21 days to create a habit.  If I can get my butt in gear, start out with even just three days a week and keep at it solid for a month, I know that I will succeed at this too.  

Telling myself this everyday and then doing nothing about it certainly isn't getting me anywhere!  :D  At least, I acknowledge this.

Stirring up the perspective.

As I've mentioned before, Holly's blog 300 Pounds Down has been a favorite of mine throughout my journey. Today she wrote about excess skin, stretch marks and scars and it really hit home. This is a huge battle for me right now. I look at myself in the mirror and I see the sagging skin and the sagging boobs and the sagging inner thighs and the scars and the stretch marks and and and and.. well I could go on forever but I won't.  My point is that even with the weight coming off, I am still struggling with seeing myself as pretty or beautiful or anything other than ugly. I am always pointing these negative things out in my head.  I even get embarrassed at the thought of someone else seeing my "nasty" looking skin as I refer to it.

After reading Holly's blog today, I was reminded that I didn't set out on this journey to lose a certain amount of weight and become skinny. I set out to be healthier, to be able to live life, to be able to not have a life of medical conditions due to my health, to win the battle that I was losing with binge and emotional eating, to get a chance of living life before it was too late and to let go of the armor that I have lived with for far too long.... You know what?  I'm achieved most, if not all of those goals. (the living life is still a struggle with the back surgery pain and fear of re injury and I'm still struggling with bits of armor but I'm not giving up!)  I set out on this journey with a purpose in mind and I've have worked extremely hard. Why am I allowing myself to discredit that hard work?  So what if I have excess skin, stretch marks and scars. I'm alive, healthier and continuing my journey. I was reminded today that the flaws I see continue to be there because I allow myself to dwell on them, just as I did the weight when it was there. There were so many statements in Holly's blog today that I couldn't have said better myself; all stuff that I've allowed myself to fall prey to.

It is time for me to start looking at the much much larger picture here. Who cares if my skin sags or I have stretch marks and scars? Does it change the person I am? Why do I stress so much about it?  I know that as time continues and I heal from my back injuries that I can work on those areas but they will most likely always be problem areas. I also know that more than likely, there will always be areas on my body that I could always feel less than happy with. Knowing that, why should I continue to let myself dwell the "ugly" me?  I SHOULDN'T DAMN IT. It's time for me to start allowing myself to actually love myself and my body and be okay with how I look. It's time for me to stop apologizing to everyone about the flaws that I think they're thinking about when I'm the one seeing them on my body. It's time for me to accept and love myself and it's time for me to be okay with knowing that people are either going to love and accept me with my flaws and all or they won't accept them. Either way, I am going to stop dwelling on self image issues and just learn to be happy with me the way I AM now.

Always,
Angela

http://www.300poundsdown.com/2013/02/excess-skin-stretch-marks-and-scars-oh-my.html

100+ pounds later (yes, a little late) :D

I've been wanting to write this for a few weeks now but life has been crazy. I have some unexpected time this morning so here I am!

January 18th's weigh in marked a 101 pound weight loss for me.  When I set out on this journey, I did not have a set scale number in mind. I hadn't weighed any less than 180 since I was in my late teens and was at my heaviest at almost 300 lbs.  I made the goal to let the journey take me where I was destined to go and that my body would know where it needs to be.  Honestly, I never expected to see 140 lbs on the scales. I never expected to see 133.8 on the scales either (where I am sitting at currently).   I purposefully made the choice not to have an end number in sight so that there would not be that disappointment if it was never attained.  I chose to believe in myself and my body and just walk the path.

Now that I have passed the 100 lb mark and am continuing to lose weight (little by little) I find myself thinking more about where the "wheel" is going to stop.  What is my body thinking? What should I be expecting?  I am now at a normal (healthy) bmi according to the charts. I've added in foods that I haven't eaten in 9 months. I'm slowly eating a piece of candy here and some here. I also started better tracking my protein. I thought I was getting more in daily than I actually am so I am working on that. With all of that being said, I am still awed every time I see the numbers or every time I think about clothing or even every time I see myself. How is it that I don't recognize the woman looking back at me?  And an even bigger question... How do I learn to recognize that woman?

I get compliments about how well I have done all the time.  I am learning to accept those compliments. That is very hard as I'm sure most of you know. I also get the "you're so lucky" comments.  Yes, I was truly blessed with a tool that helped me get to where I am at right now. I still did all the hard work.  I could have easily have taken that tool and wasted it.  I worked (and still work) hard during this journey and I am very thankful for the support from loved ones and friends who recognize that. I would honestly like to say that it is an easier journey with the weight loss tool. I'd be lying though. Yes, sure I do have a smaller stomach and it is hard for me to eat a lot.  But you know what, people who have had weight loss surgery eat more than they should and give up the tool everyday. I chose to keep my tool. I worked hard to not overeat and to control my eating disorder of binge eating in order to make this life style work. Certainly not easier there. So what does make it easier?  I watch what type of foods I eat, I limit how much I eat, I avoid temptations, I struggle with the "Fuck it" days. I find things like m&m's popping into my mouth. All of these are struggles that anyone trying to lose weight has. What I am trying to say with all of this rambling is that even without the blessing of a WLS tool, it can be done. And it can be done the same way that I have done it. Granted yes, it is a slower battle but that is a good thing. Personally speaking, shell shock is not fun and is extremely difficult to go through and process. Be happy that you'll get to your end goal (whatever that might be for you) and be able to have processed the journey along the way and arrive at your destination a little more sane than me. :D

In the end, I look back at these last 9 months and how many changes I have made (not just physically but in all areas of my life).  I'm still the same Angela as before, I just let go of that old armor.  I'm still adjusting to this new armor though and I admit, sometimes (okay more than sometimes) I want to run back and find my old armor that I gave up and put it back on out of fear.   That same fear also keeps me grounded here in the present, working on self image struggles that I have now. Yes, they're different than ones I had with the old body armor but they're still here. I'd imagine that these struggles will try and stay but I'm not letting them unpack their shit. Sooner rather than later, they're out the door. ;)

For those on the journey of bettering yourself (with whatever goals you might have)!  It's worth it. No matter what way you get to your own end result, it is worth it. Be prepared for the good, the bad, and the worse. But also be prepared to reflect and pull yourself back up, and keep moving. It's okay to stumble. It's okay when those doubts sneak in.  Just remember that this is your OWN journey so OWN it. Each of us have our own journey and it can't be compared to someone else's.  Just remember to KICK ASS and don't let pebbles, rocks or even boulders take you down for the long haul. Dust yourself off and keep putting one foot in front of the other!

Love ya!
Angela

Don't give up!

Holly (although we've never met in person) has been an amazing inspiration to me throughout my weight loss journey (even before the surgery). I read every blog she writes. Her blog today (onederland) has a video at the end of  it that I think so many of us in life right need to see right now as we struggle through our battles. I love it and wanted to share.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wtSKzHxVqxQ#!


Holly's blog "300lbs down is located at http://www.300poundsdown.com/   I would highly recommend subscribing by email in the top right corner.

15 THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE UP TO BE HAPPY

15 THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE UP TO BE HAPPY

1. Give up your need to always be right

There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control

Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame

Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk

Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs

Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining

Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, many things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy; no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism

Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others

Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take off all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change

Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels

Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears

Fear is just an illusion, it doesn't exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses

Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

 13. Give up the past

I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

 

14. Give up attachment

This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn't mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying; a state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations

Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

Failures

****I'm giving a warning in advance. This post is not a all is good and happy post so you should probably skip over it. My blog is supposed to be able the ups and downs and this is def a down.****

For most, there is always a failure here or a failure there in their life. For others yet, there are more than just an occasional failure. Then there are people who have days that they feel they are a complete failure at everything they do and that they should just stop fighting the fight to not be a failure.

Today, I feel like one of those people. Today, all I've done is cry. All I've done is feel like I'm a complete waste of flesh in all parts of my life. I feel like a horrible mother, a horrible wife, and a horrible friend.  Just a horrible person to even be around. I feel like a complete failure who needs to just crawl away with my head hanging low and let everyone around me be happier in life.

Today is one of those days where I look at what I am told and how I feel, and wonder how I can ever overcome the failures and flaws I have. I try. Man, I try so hard to take feedback and work on it and try to be a better person that would make for a happier life.  I feel like a failure because even though I am trying, it isn't visible to others. It makes me feel like that others have gotten so used to me being that person that makes them unhappy that no matter how much I try to fix my issues, it won't get seen. The failure will still be there. I'll still be that person. Now, I know that I have some great qualities and that I'm not really such a horrible person. That there are things that people love about me. I get that. There are also things that people hate about me and those qualities affect views of the good qualities.

I know life is full of struggles and things don't work out the way you want them to and that they say all you can do is give it your best.  What happens when that best isn't seen?  When it comes to losing weight, it has been visible for me (for others, I know it isn't always the same and that it's a lot slower). It has been 7 months of pure struggle and fighting to lose the weight that I have lost. People can see that. They know I am working on it. There are certainly things I could be doing to better up my best right now in the physical body realm of life but I know I am working on it and that is good. When it comes to changes that aren't visible like weight loss, it's a whole different playing field. Saying I'm working on it isn't that black and white. Even more so, sometimes even all the changes in the world might never be visible because of the lens that is looked through.....try and try and try and it still seems like everything being worked on has been a failure.

Though I feel like a complete failure, I know that I won't give it. It's not who I am. I struggle and struggle and I push through with the optimistic thoughts that change will eventually be seen and understood and accepted. I will continue to work on the changes and redefine my flaws. I just really wish there was a ticker like the one on the side of my blog that showed my progress on other changes so that the world could see it and I wouldn't have to feel like a complete failure. That would be just swell.

And if you are still reading, (which means you didn't listen to my warning at the top) the days that you feel your worse can give you hope for days that you will feel better. Don't give up hope. Know that it's really only failure if you stop trying to succeed. Sometimes our struggles in life take us backwards for a bit but get back on the path and move forward again and again and again and you'll succeed. It really helps if you have supportive people who love and push you, which, I KNOW we all do. There are supportive people in each of our lives. Hang on to their support and positiveness. It will move you forward again if you take a step back. Other things that help are big tight loving hugs and words of encouragement and just knowing that you're loved.

P.S.  I love you! (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))  You can do this!

This is so true!

I've had to learn and relearn this over the years! I think that there is so much truth in this though.

OMG I made my 2012 goal shout and a thank you for those who support me!

I am feeling so ecstatic! I made my 2012 goal to be below 250 by the end of the year.   I wasn't sure I could do it.  I mean that's over 90 lbs since May 16th.  But I DID it! WOW.  Even with two back surgeries and not being as active as I need to be because of the surgeries, I still made my goal.  I am like a giddy school girl.

I haven't been below 200 lbs since I was 18 or 19. I haven't been below 150 lbs since I was 17-18.  You have the understand that this as thin as I have been since I was in high school almost 20 years ago. I have spent 20 years heavy. I spent 20 years telling myself that I would always be heavy and that was just who I was and that I was fine with that.

I was truly blessed to have the option to have the WLS and have it covered by my insurance because of my medical issues. I thank God every day that I had that option. I tried over and over again to lose weight before the surgery. I watch other struggle with their weight and wish I could give them the opportunity that I was blessed with. By all means, it is not an easier route for weight loss. It is EXTREMELY hard. The hardest way I have ever ever tried. But it works when you use the surgery as a tool and use it the right way.

Lord knows, I struggle with telling people I had the surgery.  I just posted my accomplishment to Facebook a few minutes ago and Facebook friends are asking how I did it. I admit, I am having a panic attack right now about it. Do I tell them the truth. That I severely limited my food intake and calories, cut out soda, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, processes foods, and pretty much anything that wasn't loaded with protein. That I take over 15 pills a day to make sure I'm not malnourished. That I gave up food I really enjoy and replaced it with protein in forms of meat, dairy and limited veggies along with protein shakes that aren't exactly absolutely nummy....   That just within the last 2 months was I finally able to add some of this stuff back in severe moderation.... All of this is absolutely true.  This has been my life since WLS.

Or do I tell them the whole truth.. That I had a RNY Gastric Bypass that forced me to "severely limit my food intake and calories, cut out soda, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, processes foods, and pretty much anything that wasn't loaded with protein. That I take over 15 pills a day to make sure I'm not malnourished. That I gave up food I really enjoy and replaced it with protein in forms of meat, dairy and limited veggies along with protein shakes that aren't exactly absolutely nummy....   That just within the last 2 months was I finally able to add some of this stuff back in severe moderation...."  How do I answer this question.  It's been 7 months and I am still afraid to tell people. I'm still feel like I have to hide.  I think I really need to work on the why I need to hide part of that. I should be proud! I should be an advocate for WLS. It does work when you work with the tool given to you.

People look at you at sheer awe when you tell them you've lost 91 lbs and you tell them what you done to do that. Once you throw in that you had the gastric bypass, you can often see a look come over their face (not always).  That look says so you took the easy way out. You had to have a surgery to lose the weight. You didn't do it on your own.  That look knocks so much of that accomplishment feeling away.  It's deflating.

I have been extremely blessed to have an amazing support system of loved ones who have supported me along this journey.  I thank each and every one of you for helping me keep my spirits high and my motivation strong. I thank you for believing in me. I thank you for understanding that although the weight is coming off, that I am really still me and that won't ever change. I could not have taken this journey without all of you by my side. You support me and keep me inflated with someone comes along and deflates me. THANK YOU!  I love each and every one of you!

Now back to ponder how to answer the questions.

That slippery slope!

First off, yet again, it has been awhile since I have posted. I am sorry.  Nov 30th, I had another piece (well 3 actually) of disk fragment off and cut into my nerve. I had to have a second back surgery on the 5th of Dec and recovery was rather difficult. Two back surgeries in less than 3 months really sucked.  I am finally starting to feel a bit better. I took recovery more serious this time and spent a great deal of time in bed and have been listening to the Dr's orders and obeying them. I'm really hoping that this is the last back surgery I have to have.


Moving on!!!!

The last six weeks have been rather difficult.  It is now 7 months since I have had the gastric bypass and I hit 90 lbs weight loss today.  I know that I have been doing great with my progress.  I do get frustrated that I have not been able to exercise due to the back issues that I have had. I feel that I would be more toned and fit right now with exercise rather than being frustrated with how my skin looks. :(

Over the last few weeks, I have been feeling myself slide a little with my food choices. I know that a lot has to do with the struggles from surgery and having to take in-completes in my classes because I missed finals.  I have been catching myself taking a bit of this and a bit of that. I know this is a really bad habit to get into. With the holidays, its been even worse. There's been candy everywhere and I did holiday baking and we had the family in town for Christmas.  I know that I need to get back to being hard core about what I put in my mouth. I am taking this time to allow myself understanding about what I have been going through. In years past, I would have felt completely guilty and crushed and that would have caused even more issues. I'm not falling into that trap.  I gave myself a break and now know it's time to get back on track! :)

There will always be stress in my life. I get that. I am on a hunt to find a better, more productive way to deal with stress. I am no longer a stress eater. I don't have that option. In a few more weeks, hopefully I will be cleared for activity and I am looking forward to incorporating exercise into my life. I haven't been physically able to since the gastric bypass.  I will be soon!

For those that struggle with slippery slopes in life, learn to accept it and move past it without beating yourself up! Guilt won't change anything. Accepting the slip up and moving past it will help you greatly!   2013 is right around the corner!  Make 2013 count! I know I am going to.  I have so many growth opportunities! I am looking forward to each and every one of them! You can too!  : D

WLS

This is a great article on WLS.   http://www.webmd.com/diet/weight-loss-surgery/weight-loss-surgery-08/long-term-results

WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) is not an easy way out.  By far, it is the hardest way to lose weight.  I would love to tell people otherwise but I would be lying. Even at 6 months out, I struggle daily.  I never know if something I've eaten several times before is going to stay down this time. I am constantly thinking "okay, how much protein have I had today? Am I drinking enough?"  There's no more soda. No more caffeine.  No more energy drinks to keep you awake while you're trying to make it through the day. No sugars, no snacking.  There's the vitamins and other pills that you have to take twice daily because you simply can not eat enough to get what your body needs to maintain health. Add the shock that your body goes through after the surgery and during the weight loss phase, the social adjustments, the judgement and 100 other things that are simply just too many to list.......... I repeat WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY IS NOT AN EASY WAY OUT.

So why?  Because so many of us struggle with weight for so long there there simply is no other choice.  There are research studies after research studies out there showing stats of people who have lost weight by diet and exercise and their bodies gain the weight back, even with life style changes (this can happen even with WLS). There are people who eat right, exercise, and work damn hard every freaking day and can't lose the weight because their body won't let go of it.  (There is significant data out there to prove this).  WLS isn't a fix all.  It's just a different struggle. It does give people a fighting chance at obesity though. It can make a difference in someones life who is struggling. It can give someone a chance to live a longer happier life.

Would I do it over again?  YOU BET.  I've battled weight my whole adult life. My battle with weight will never end. Just because I get to my "goal" weight, does not mean that my battle is over. There will ALWAYS be a battle. It's worth it though.  I would do it again in a heart beat. I would recommend gastric bypass in a heartbeat.  It can be that amazing tool that someone needs. That tool that finally allows someone to see past that dark pit of the weight battle. A tool that shouldn't be used as a judgement against people.

It simple terms, WLS is a tool.  It can be used to assist with weight loss, just like a treadmill or a low calorie diet.  Use the tool and you can benefit. Remember that some tools simply do not do the job for some people and they have to look at other tools and no tool is easier than the others. Weight loss is a battle in itself, no matter what tools you use. Just don't give up. Find the right fit!  There is one out there!

An eye opener!

http://mobile.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/11/from_obese_to_chubby_how_i_lost_the_weight_and_why_you_shouldn_t_admire.html

Just crazy!

It's amazing at how much change can hit you.  I've haven't been myself lately and I hardly know who I am. The changes are crazy. November 16th marks my 6 month surgerversary. In 6 months I have lost 80 lbs.  I look at this picture and I think wow.  WHO IS THAT PERSON?  

Oh yeah, its this person.  There I am.  Yep, that's the person I see. Okay, I can breath now. 

You see, losing 80 pounds in 6 months doesn't really allow you time to prepare for what to do next. They don't tell you that you need to continue to breathe. It's really crazy.   I have not been this small (and I'm still considered overweight) since I was a teenage. And guess what??? ALOT has changed since I was a teenager.  New fashions, new hair styles, new make up styles.... I'm not prepared for this. I'm a fat girl who does nothing with her hair except wash it and let it dry natural. I don't wear makeup, I don't do my hair and I love my jeans and t-shirts. All of that has been part of my body armor for over 2 decades. "Don't draw attention to yourself"   So now what?  Am I really ready to let all that go and say "Hey, look at me?"  

As you can tell in the top picture, I'm wearing makeup.  I've been pushing myself for the last 4 days to put on makeup daily.  Truth is I suck at makeup.  Even as a teenage, I rarely wore makeup.  Right now, I have my own teenager (well almost teenager) giving me makeup advice.  She's a makeup every day type of girl.  She's got that "Look at me" attitude and I love that about her.  I love that she's so outgoing and knows that she's amazingly beautiful and doesn't care what others think of her.  So how do I get that?  I certainly am NOT ready or wanting for that matter to be an attention seeker but I'd love to look in the mirror and see myself right now looking good and trendy rather than seeing myself looking like the second picture. It's crazy but that's how I still see myself in the mirror. I'm putting makeup and I don't see myself as the woman in the first set of pictures. I'm blow drying my hair every day and I don't see myself as the woman in the first set of pictures.  Will I ever? Can I really let go of the Armor?  Its crazy.... CRAZY.....

Broken

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I am having a very hard time right now. There are areas in my life that are going great.  I'm doing good with my weight loss.  I'm dedicated to staying positive and pushing through.  There are things that I am really struggling with right now.  For me, this is extremely hard because so many around me are really really struggling right now. I feel like such a loser for even thinking that my struggles are there because others are hurting and I need to focus on helping them. For those that don't know me well, this thinking is part of me. I'm a helper. I've been blessed with the ability to be a support to others and Its my life goal to continue to do that. I'm not one to share when I am having a really hard time. I should be the rock. But right now, I don't feel that strong. I'm still struggling with pain from my back surgery. I worry every day about not properly managing that pain. I struggle with addiction (hence the need for the gastric bypass in the first place). They tell us over and over again to watch out for transfer addictions. They drill it into our heads that its a huge danger.  Perhaps that's why I'm so scared that I'm still on pain meds three weeks after the surgery.  I know I'm not abusing them. One every 6-8 hours is as prescribed by the dr. I am down to even less but it scares me that I still have to take them for the pain. I tried stopping yesterday.  Took my last one at 7:30 am. I sat through a day of homework and research hunting. I went to class and sat through class. I came home and went to bed without one even though I was hurting and wanted one. By 1:00 A.M, I woke up in so much pain that I wanted to cry. I couldn't get comfortable. I tried for almost an hour before breaking down and taking one. Then the panic attack came. A stupid panic attack over the pain and the freaking pain pill.  Man, I'm a mess. So after taking my anxiety meds and playing on the computer, while waiting for the meds to kick in, I finally made it back to bed, completely broken. I was filled with such disappointment with myself. Broken....

Add the stress of that into everything else that is going on and it makes me feel even more broken.  I'm struggling with school right now. This semester has been extremely rough on me. Hard classes and new work on the project they require us to do before we can graduate with our Masters degree.  I feel at times that I just want to walk away.  To give up that destiny of being a counselor. I can't make it through school. It's an empty dream.  I know everyone one feels this way when school gets hard. I'm not giving up. I can't give up. My husband and girls are depending on me to finish. I won't let them down. That doesn't mean that I don't think about just walking away, getting a job and just living life with a job instead of the dream I've always wanted. It's a damn good thing, I'm not a quitter. I've been through rougher times and hung my head high even though I was dying inside. I know I can do the same now. I need to do that now.  I see the struggles that my husband endures at work because he knows its short term. He's counting on me. I'm counting on me.  

I am broken. Realistically, everyone of us is broken. The good news is that we're not shattered into a million pieces. I can live with broken. I know this broken me is loved by so many. Its days like today that seem overwhelming and impossible but I know anything is possible. I've lived through the impossibles in life. I've survived. I've endured and I've succeeded.

I'm surrounded in life by people I love intensely.  Their struggles are my struggles. Each struggle is also mine.  They know that I've got their back. And even more so they know that I can do that, even though I struggle. While this post isn't a typical one for me, it helped me realize that I am okay. My loved ones struggling right now are okay. The struggles in life are life. Broken or not, life still hands each of us struggles. Broken is okay. Broken is expected. Broken is the new normal. The good news is that we ALL have a huge support system that will make sure we don't shatter. We won't shatter.  WE WON"T SHATTER.  I swear!

~Always,
Angela

"Some day we shall learn to lay our burdens on the altar of Love, that they may be consumed by the fire of faith in the Living Spirit."  — The Science of Mind, page 335

Ripples

So its been a month since I updated. Wow.   This month has been a huge struggle for me so I apologize for the lack of writing. I will try and update more often just in case there is anyone other than myself reading. lol (I know there are)

So October was a very rough month for me but I survived it and now it's November 1st. I found out through a MRI that I had a fragmented piece of my L5-S1 disk that had lodged into my sciatic nerve. That's whats been causing the severe pain in my butt, hip and left leg.  The surgeon was surprised that I was even able to walk. The problem required surgery, of course so within a week of finding out, I had a major back surgery. That was on the 17th.  I have to say that this being my 6th surgery in my life, that this has by far been the hardest in recovery. Two weeks out and I am still in quite a bit of pain in the incision area and deep in where they cut into my spinal canal, removed the bone covering it, dug out the piece and then sewed it up. The bone can't be replaced so now it has to heal on its own.  It's a horrible deep pain feeling. Two weeks and I'm still on pain pills which is really not like me at all. The plus side is that the pain I was feeling before the surgery is virtually gone. I still get pieces of it here and there but the surgeon said the nerve will take months to heal.

The pain from the nerve damage had started to get worse and worse since I had my gastric bypass.  I've been managing it but I fully admit I haven't been doing physical activities like I am supposed to be because of it. Yes, I did do my 5k and I'm truly amazed that I completed that with a chuck of disk in my nerve. After the surgery, I laid off eating right.  I started sneaking a chip or a piece of cookie here or there. A couple bites of pizza...... you get the point. Nothing like I was before the surgery but enough to make me feel guilty. Enough to put that thought in my head of "you're fucking this up Angela".  I did get back on track last week. I had a big heart to heart with myself and realized that I was getting somewhere with this weight loss and that I needed to buckle down and get back in the game. More importantly, I forgave myself and allowed myself to understand that it was not the end of the world and that I truly am doing good at what I need to be doing. I needed to know in my head that I was still on the right path. I also told myself that I am allowed to to take the time I need to heal and then I will get moving, literally.  :) I am not going to push myself and cause damage.  I need this time to heal so that this (crossing fingers) will be the last of surgeries and I can put the surgeons knife behind me.

Since getting back on track, I've lost the weight from having the surgery (you know that pump you full of fluid water retention weight), and have continued to lose.  I broke the 170 lb mark today and currently weigh 168.8.  I have not weight this since a teenage. This is huge for me. Furthermore according to my current weight and my height, I am now in the overweight category in the bmi chart with a 29.4 (yes that's the cusp but it is in the overweight category).  WOW.   Seeing that made me cry.

I know this is getting rather long but I've got more so bare with me. :)

I've come to realize that losing weight causes ripples in everything around me. It doesn't just affect me.  It affects so much more. This journey that I have been on has been extremely hard.  It's been hard on me but it's just as hard on the amazing people I have in my life. I worry about that effect often.  I know that even without the weight, I am still the person I was before. Hell, I still see myself physically as that person. (Here's to hoping someday, I can see the reflection that is actually in the mirror staring back at me) I am truly thankful that I started this journey. I am even more thankful for the loved ones that are walking beside me in this journey. Things aren't always easy but I know they know that I'm still Angela.  Weight won't change who I am. As this armor continues to come off, Angela will still be Angela. The ripples are ripples and I'm thankful that they're not waves or tsunami waves!  I am beyond thankful that each and everyone person in my life loves me and knows that I love them.  There is no way I could do this without that love and support.  I know that my loved ones struggle with their own struggles. Support is important in any struggle. I'm thankful that I am able to give support and love.  It's part of who I am and that won't ever change either. :)

Okay... I'll stop for now. I know this is long! I promise to try and write smaller ones and write them more often. :0

Angela

Hear that alarm buzzing?

I received another alarm today that life is too short to waste away. There is so much in my life that I want to see, that I want to live for and that I want to do. I don't want my husband, children, parents, siblings and friends having to struggle with my sickness or death. I am reminded that I am making changes in my life to avoid this but I can be doing so much more. Everyone needs "wake up calls" in life. More often than not, hitting that snooze button wears you down faster than if you had just "woke up" to begin with. Make a change (or two or ten) before it's really too late to wake up to life! Just do it!!!!!!! Please...


Two of my aunts are sick. Out of 12 siblings, I will have my mom and 3 other aunts left.  Our family has lived a life of unhealthy... It's scary to know that if I don't change my ways, I could end up the same fate. Its scary to know that my mom and sister are on that path with me. I see my mom suffering from her own health issues and now dealing with losing another sister and it breaks my heart. I don't want my loved ones to have to live that pain. 

I stay focused on my goals of losing my weight and eating better. I KNOW I can do more about my health though. I will be more active.  This lazy self has got to go.  Even its its just 10-15 minutes here or there, I need to be moving. I will be more active!  

Naked (not literally)

As I struggle through today, I find my thoughts constantly wandering back over not only the last five years but also the years before that.  Up until four months ago, I would have stuffed my face full of food to mask the pain of those memories and thoughts. I would have been on my third or forth binge session by now. Today however, that is not only no longer an option but its not a desire for me either. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep the day away. I got up instead. I wanted to go back to bed. I did not.  I sat here at my computer and instead of eating and hiding behind my armor, I shared with my husband. I forced myself not to mask myself and pretend to be okay. I instead took off the armor and stood "unprotected" all day. This is a new concept for me. I spent a bit of the morning rereading entries from my diary over the last five years.  That person that wrote in that diary was so full of anger and pain and she wore her armor every second of every day. BUT she felt so much safer in that armor. When you're naked, there's no protection. There's nothing to hide the raw emotion that comes in a fleeing second.  There is no safety. 

Does this mean that the armor means safety for me or is it a false safety net? Decades of armor (both mentally and physically) have only damaged my self worth and my relationships with others. My physical armor (weight) is coming off quickly.  I'll be honest. I am SCARED TO DEATH. Why?  Who the hell knows?  I certainly don't. I wish I could put into words why I am scared about being thinner. It doesn't mean I am giving up though. I will continue to lose weight and someday I know I'll be able to look back and grasp what I was afraid of and laugh at it.  

I still try to hold onto my mental armor.  After all, it is my safety net. I have to remind myself to be more open and vulnerable. I wish it came more naturally.  That fear of pain is always there though. That fear that someone will hurt me never goes away.  The battle scars run too deep.  But just like the physical armor I wear, I know that my mental armor has done enough damage and it needs to be retired, so I continue to work on wearing it less and less. 

I am very thankful that I have so much support in my life. My husband is my soul. He continues to support me and be patient with me. My best friend, Dawn, is my rock.  Just hearing her voice makes me regain strength. My family has always supported me.  My closest friends are always there to lend positivism and support.  I couldn't ask for any more love and encouragement.  I know that when I struggle, I won't have to by myself.  It is okay for me to let go of the armor.

Wake up!

I'm sure everyone has been told something along the lines of "you'll regret that when you get older" or "you'd better take care of your body because it is the only one you get".   It would have been great if I had listened to that advice when given to me. Years of self torture and sabotage have wrecked havoc on my temple. Am I doing something about it now?  I'm losing weight slowly but steady but to be 100% honest, I am still struggling with doing anything about it.  I'd love to say that I am exercising and stretching and working on undoing the damage.  I'd be lying though. I'm a big ol ball of excuses. "It hurts." "I'm too busy," "I'm doing it in small stages."

Yep, thats me!  FULL of BS.  I would love to wake up full of motivation and self love.  Typically I wake up and force myself to take that first step out of bed because my pelvic and hips hurt.  I then tell myself "today will be different" and start to plan something physical that will get me going. Then by nightfall when I am crawling into bed, I think "well another day where I failed at my goal of doing something."  The story just repeats from here. 

I know I'm not the only one that has fallen into this cycle. I know many others struggle with this same struggle. That doesn't make things any less easier to swallow.  Thoughts like "I want to be healthier" and I want to be more active with the kids" and "I want to live long enough to see them live their own lives" come into my mind everyday. I have every reason to kick it into high gear and "just get er' done".  

So then why am I wasting away in front of the computer on Facebook and other sites that do not need constant monitoring? Why am I not Taking charge of MY life and making ALL of the changes that I want to make?  Seriously, I need answers.... Anyone???? Okay, I know you can't answer that for me. Only I can.  Sometimes, I honestly think I am just too damn scared too.  What happens after the changes are made? What if I still feel this way? Will there always just be one more thing that I beat myself up over?  When will I actually be okay with myself? When will I WAKE UP?

Well maybe one day, I'll have answers to those questions. I do know that even though I may not do everything I want to be doing, I am doing something every day. I am moving in a direction better than the way I came from. I am NOT who I was a few months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago or even 20 years ago.  I am a better person and am learning to love myself, even if it has taken two decades of wear and tear, torture and sabotage. The questions may go unanswered for now but eventually, I'll have answers and then I'll have more questions. Apparently self growth is never ending. Fun times!  :P

Angela

Made my first goal and my second goal at the same time!

I hit my first goal of losing 40lbs! WOOT... It's been a struggle but I did it. I am now officially back under 200lbs for the second time since I was a teenager which was my second goal! I am so excited!!!!!!!!

Moving along.....

The last few weeks have been busy for me. My weight loss journey has been moving along slowly.  I had just over a week where I lost and regained the same two pounds.  I decided not to worry about it until after we got back from our family trip.  We were gone 5 days and went to Blackfoot and Utah to visit family.  I'm not gonna lie.  It was really rough on me. Had two bbq's, a dinner at my sisters house, four mornings worth of hot hotel breakfast and then a bunch of fast food places. TONS of things I couldn't eat or drink. Lots of throwing up because things did not sit well. Lots of frustrations and tension. Yeah it was fun! ;) This was my first experience with traveling after surgery.  Most days I felt like crying a ton. I know it will get easier for me though so I won't dwell.  The weight is starting to come off again since the trip at a slow pace. I think a slow pace is good for me though. It just feels right. 

I finally started exercising. Other than some small walks here and there, I haven't had time or energy to do much. I made the commitment to change that now that I have a little more free time. 

I am no longer employed, which has been a godsend this week. I have SO much homework to catch up on and a midterm to take. I really struggled with whether I was making the right choice to quit my job and focus on my master's degree but I am glad I did. I know things will work out perfectly.  After another round of looking at the 6 month budget, I am confident we can survive on Kory's income and my student loans (yay for student loans). I know that things are falling into place and I am choosing not to worry about it. :)

So for now, I can sit back and realize that things are moving along. I'm strolling up and down the hills of this journey and I realize that I am doing good.  I won't let little things get to me and I'm staying strong. I'm very thankful for my support system, who may get frustrated with me, but always stick with me through the ups and downs.  Thank you.