"Look at me" NOT

When you're a fat girl, one of your worst fears is people looking at you or staring at you. You worry about going into stores. You really worry about exercising because god, what would those thin bitches think.  Realistically, you do everything you can not not be noticed.  Somehow, I thought that would all change as I lost weight and oddly enough, I still hear those same voices in my head even now. Sometimes their different, "she's not really one of us" or "she did it the easy way so it doesn't count". Other times, I hear the same stuff I did before. Stuff like "she's way too fat for those clothes" or "should she be eating that".    One day, someday, I hope the voices in my head go away.  I'd like to say they will but who knows, really.

Today, I weighed in and I made it into the high 120's. (128.6).  One would think I would be able to carry off the attitude of "look at me" like the skinny girls do. You see the problem with that, is that I don't consider myself skinny.  Yeah, I get it. I know the scales say I am. I know everyone around me sees me as skinny. It gets pointed out often (sometimes not in a nice way) but still, my brain hasn't caught up to everyone else. I "didn't get the memo" so to speak.

The "Breaking out of the armor" title means something to me. For me, breaking out of this armor that I have carried decades means more than just losing weight. For me, it is as much an internal armor as it is a physical armor that I hide behind. I have left many many pieces of that armor (both internal and external) laying behind on the road of this journey.  I have more to leave behind still. It is much harder to leave the internal armor behind as it protects me so much from pain and hurt and emotions that I simply don't like feeling. I will get there though, one piece of armor at a time, until I am really ready to say "look at me, no more armor".

I started this blog to remind me of my journey. I wanted to look back from the beginning and throughout the journey and see my struggles, my fears, my accomplishments.  I am extremely thankful that I started this blog. It really helps me reflect back and it really helps me to see "me" now. I look at others on their weight loss journeys and it gives me hope and strength knowing that they are working hard and one day will look back and see how far they have come. Some may struggle with it like me, others may not. Either way, I hope that they are keeping a journal/blog of their own journey to reflect upon.

Today, my reflection is of this. If I were to lose eight more pounds, I will have lost HALF of myself. That's insane, truly, truly, insane. It's hard to grasp your mind around. Now I'm not looking to lose eight more pounds. I want to start building muscle and level out about the weight I am at now. I'm sure I'll lose a little more but then muscle weight will kick in and hopefully balance me out. That's the game plan anyway. :D

As I end this entry, to those reading my blog, take the time to reflect often on whatever journey in life you're on. Shell shock is still shell shock even if no one else can see or understand it but you.  :D

Before taken May 16th at 241 lbs

 Taken March 2nd at 128.6 lbs