Once upon a time, in a far away land..........There was this woman who thought breaking out of the armor was healthy. What became of her, you ask?
I wanted to live life without the armor that I had wore for so long. I wanted to be more open and less guarded and closed off to people so that healthy relationships grew and I became more at east with pain. After all, that's how we're supposed to live right? I desperately wanted to know that all of that pain was gone and I truly did not even need armor at all. I could be like you or you or even you.
The problem is that some of us need armor. Some of us know that having armor is better than feeling..... Feeling the pain... the distance and the waves of emotions that come so fast we can't catch our breath. We've lived life with so much pain that when we built our armor, it was our safe place. It allowed us to live in this world and be normal.
Without the armor that we've built, nothing seems safe. There's pain everywhere; relationships, our children, the closest to us that leave us, in every breath we take..... There's pain and PAIN SUCKS. People hurt people. That's what they do. It's not usually intentional, although sometimes it is. Other times, it's so far deep that one doesn't realize that they're doing it or why but regardless there is always pain.
Pain sucks. Pain sucks. Pain sucks.
So it seems most easiest to keep the armor up permanently or or in my case, rebuild the armor and live life knowing that it's okay to have the armor because it hurts less when people you love and need in your life leave you or hurt you. If you have a defense system it will buffer the pain. Nothing, including the strongest, sturdiest armor blocks all of the pain. But having some armor makes it a little more bearable at least. Having some wall of defense that you can hide behind and feel a little more safe is something everyone needs. Why? Remember, they almost always hurt you in some way or another, as is life. As is love.
And that is what became....
Friday, December 27, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Missing in action
It may seem like I've been missing in action. In reality, I have. The last few months have been extremely rough, both physically and mentally. I'll admit there were times when I didn't think I'd pull through or even want to pull through.
As of May 28th, I've now had four back surgeries since October. Two of those were within two weeks apart. Now having had eight total surgeries in my life, back surgeries are by far the worst. I wish I could describe what one goes through but there are no words. The issues I have had with my back and the damage it has caused to my nerve (which is still trying to repair itself and is causing constant pain still) has overwhelmed me more than I ever thought possible. I have faith that back surgeries are a thing of the past and I can finally start to heal the damage done to my body and move forward.
After the last MRI (right before the surgery on May 28th), I was told by my neurosurgeon that my body itself is causing the fragment distruction. You see, I was down too 112-114 lbs. I wasn't eating/drinking my protien or much of anything really, I wasn't taking the special vitamines and calcium required after the gastric bypass (they're expensive and I thought I could get away without them). In essence, I was causing severe maltruition to my body which is breaking down the disk in my back. This hit me hard. I'll admit, I've been squirling in a pool of severe depression the last few months. These last two surgeries caused that spiral to speed up. I had to put internship on hold for the summer and that was beyond devasting for me. It made me feel like my goal, my dream of graduation and becoming a counseler were on the verge of being taken away from me.
After the surgery, I started taking the supplyements and eating again. I still struggle with eating, as hunger is a big issue for me. I'm slowly gaining weight and am waiting so patiently for the dr to give the go ahead to start working out. I need to build muscle. I have none. I'm literly like a corpse or thats how I feel at times. I know that I get to do this stuff to save my life. You see, there is a flip side to the surgery. I never thought that I would lose this much weight. My one year anniverary was May 16th and I was at 118 lbs at that time. From 241 lbs to 118 lbs in a year. Now some may wish for such good weight loss and some may be jealous of the weight loss, but I warn you it comes with great risk. Both physically and mentally.
Mentally, I have no clue who I am anymore. Who is Angela Taylor? I've struggled to figure out who I am. I know pieces of me. I have lost other pieces of me. I can't seem to find them and I'm struggling mentally and emotionally because of it. So many other things have happened these last few months that I haven't handled well because I have not been in a good frame of mind. Decisions made, people hurt, me retreating into my armor again because its safe there and hurt is too much right now.
But I can't keep doing that. I GET to pull myself out of this shelter of bricks that I've built again. I get to pull the armor that I started putting back on off and I get to start living again. I haven't been living and I'm missing out greatly. All too often, people see only the negative things going on in their life. That has never been who I am and yet, I have found myself there. I will get myself out of there! I have a huge support system that is standing by me no matter how many battles I have to work through. I am very blessed to know that I am loved despite the damage and depression that I have put out into the world these last few months. My amazing husband and children have been patient and understanding and helpful. Most importantly, they've stood by my side and I am truly thankful for that. My amazing family and friends have supported me, pushed me to get out of my funk and most inportantly, put things into perspective that things could be so much worse and that I need to start living and be there for my children, Kory, and my loved ones. It's amazing at what someone telling you to "suck it up" (in a very nice way) will do for you. :D
So even though the pain is constant, and the desire to just lay in bed and sleep the day away (hidden) is still there sometimes (most times) I will fight the urge, get my shit together, and battle through this because that is what I do. I'm a strong, independant woman with goals in life. I know that much about me. It's a start to find out more about myself and to grow and learn who I really am. :D
And for now, I close with Namaste'.
Angela
As of May 28th, I've now had four back surgeries since October. Two of those were within two weeks apart. Now having had eight total surgeries in my life, back surgeries are by far the worst. I wish I could describe what one goes through but there are no words. The issues I have had with my back and the damage it has caused to my nerve (which is still trying to repair itself and is causing constant pain still) has overwhelmed me more than I ever thought possible. I have faith that back surgeries are a thing of the past and I can finally start to heal the damage done to my body and move forward.
After the last MRI (right before the surgery on May 28th), I was told by my neurosurgeon that my body itself is causing the fragment distruction. You see, I was down too 112-114 lbs. I wasn't eating/drinking my protien or much of anything really, I wasn't taking the special vitamines and calcium required after the gastric bypass (they're expensive and I thought I could get away without them). In essence, I was causing severe maltruition to my body which is breaking down the disk in my back. This hit me hard. I'll admit, I've been squirling in a pool of severe depression the last few months. These last two surgeries caused that spiral to speed up. I had to put internship on hold for the summer and that was beyond devasting for me. It made me feel like my goal, my dream of graduation and becoming a counseler were on the verge of being taken away from me.
After the surgery, I started taking the supplyements and eating again. I still struggle with eating, as hunger is a big issue for me. I'm slowly gaining weight and am waiting so patiently for the dr to give the go ahead to start working out. I need to build muscle. I have none. I'm literly like a corpse or thats how I feel at times. I know that I get to do this stuff to save my life. You see, there is a flip side to the surgery. I never thought that I would lose this much weight. My one year anniverary was May 16th and I was at 118 lbs at that time. From 241 lbs to 118 lbs in a year. Now some may wish for such good weight loss and some may be jealous of the weight loss, but I warn you it comes with great risk. Both physically and mentally.
Mentally, I have no clue who I am anymore. Who is Angela Taylor? I've struggled to figure out who I am. I know pieces of me. I have lost other pieces of me. I can't seem to find them and I'm struggling mentally and emotionally because of it. So many other things have happened these last few months that I haven't handled well because I have not been in a good frame of mind. Decisions made, people hurt, me retreating into my armor again because its safe there and hurt is too much right now.
But I can't keep doing that. I GET to pull myself out of this shelter of bricks that I've built again. I get to pull the armor that I started putting back on off and I get to start living again. I haven't been living and I'm missing out greatly. All too often, people see only the negative things going on in their life. That has never been who I am and yet, I have found myself there. I will get myself out of there! I have a huge support system that is standing by me no matter how many battles I have to work through. I am very blessed to know that I am loved despite the damage and depression that I have put out into the world these last few months. My amazing husband and children have been patient and understanding and helpful. Most importantly, they've stood by my side and I am truly thankful for that. My amazing family and friends have supported me, pushed me to get out of my funk and most inportantly, put things into perspective that things could be so much worse and that I need to start living and be there for my children, Kory, and my loved ones. It's amazing at what someone telling you to "suck it up" (in a very nice way) will do for you. :D
So even though the pain is constant, and the desire to just lay in bed and sleep the day away (hidden) is still there sometimes (most times) I will fight the urge, get my shit together, and battle through this because that is what I do. I'm a strong, independant woman with goals in life. I know that much about me. It's a start to find out more about myself and to grow and learn who I really am. :D
And for now, I close with Namaste'.
Angela
Sunday, March 24, 2013
In a flash
“I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” ― Rosamund Lupton
It's amazing at how much one can work so hard and make so many changes and fight to overcome so many battles just to have one glimpse shatter it; gone in a flash; in one recognition from the past. Five minutes in hell seems like an eternity when the past comes crashing down on you and you can't breathe. You can't think. You become that deer in a headlight with all these thoughts racing through your head.
You see, for some, the chance to leave the guilt and shame of a lifetime behind comes and they are strong enough to grasp a hold and leave guilt and shame in the dust without ever looking back. Others feel in order to really pay for their mistakes and suffering caused, that guilt and shame must be lived daily. For some, it may feel like we've finally gotten past those feelings and have let go of all of the mental self mutilation behind. Hell, we actually believe that we've grown and learned from those mistakes that we made throughout our lives that caused that eternity of pain for so many.
Then it happens.... In a flash, I'm reminded that all of the pain and hurt that I endured was a direct result of my own doing. My choices in this life have lead me through hell. My poor choices led me through the doors to a table of guilt and shame in all varieties, forms and tastes. A life of gluttony with more than just bad eating habits; choice after choice acting as mortar in the bricks of the wall I built around myself. Choice after choice creating the guilt and shame that became my body armor both mentally and physically. That body armor is the same that I have struggled with and bloodied my knuckles to tear down, piece by piece, day by day, choice by choice.
It amazes me that such determination, will and endurance to change can be cracked with just a flash of pain from the past. That gasping for air because I'm drowning all over again and then the remembrance and familiarity of the waves of guilt and shame washes over. That familiarity that was home for so long. In a flash, it could become the comfort of home once more.
In my life, I have made many choices and I live the result of said choices every day. Betrayal, regret, guilt, shame.... They are emotions caused by many of my choices. Those same choices, though have given me the chance to make choices that I wouldn't change. Choices that despite the pain, suffering and hardship have given me a fighting chance in this thing called life.
Just this morning, I was reminded that life's betrayals happen for the greater good; for growth. It was a truly ironic day for such a sermon this morning. Never, would I have imagined that I would be reminded in a much harsher way, just hours later, that unless I am constantly removing bricks, piece by piece, the walls and the body armor will rebuild itself. This battle that I fight every second will never truly be over. There will never be a winning flag to wave at the end of the war, claiming final victory.
I was also reminded today that there will never be a white flag waved either. I will fight this battle within, till my death. I will battle guilt and shame and work to keep the walls and armor torn down, day in and day out to make sure that the person I am today remains and that the person that once was is just someone that once was. Today I find comfort in knowing that my knuckles may always be bloodied but those walls and my armor will not be rebuilt. I continue to be take it down brick by brick, piece by piece, day by day.
~Angela
It's amazing at how much one can work so hard and make so many changes and fight to overcome so many battles just to have one glimpse shatter it; gone in a flash; in one recognition from the past. Five minutes in hell seems like an eternity when the past comes crashing down on you and you can't breathe. You can't think. You become that deer in a headlight with all these thoughts racing through your head.
You see, for some, the chance to leave the guilt and shame of a lifetime behind comes and they are strong enough to grasp a hold and leave guilt and shame in the dust without ever looking back. Others feel in order to really pay for their mistakes and suffering caused, that guilt and shame must be lived daily. For some, it may feel like we've finally gotten past those feelings and have let go of all of the mental self mutilation behind. Hell, we actually believe that we've grown and learned from those mistakes that we made throughout our lives that caused that eternity of pain for so many.
Then it happens.... In a flash, I'm reminded that all of the pain and hurt that I endured was a direct result of my own doing. My choices in this life have lead me through hell. My poor choices led me through the doors to a table of guilt and shame in all varieties, forms and tastes. A life of gluttony with more than just bad eating habits; choice after choice acting as mortar in the bricks of the wall I built around myself. Choice after choice creating the guilt and shame that became my body armor both mentally and physically. That body armor is the same that I have struggled with and bloodied my knuckles to tear down, piece by piece, day by day, choice by choice.
It amazes me that such determination, will and endurance to change can be cracked with just a flash of pain from the past. That gasping for air because I'm drowning all over again and then the remembrance and familiarity of the waves of guilt and shame washes over. That familiarity that was home for so long. In a flash, it could become the comfort of home once more.
In my life, I have made many choices and I live the result of said choices every day. Betrayal, regret, guilt, shame.... They are emotions caused by many of my choices. Those same choices, though have given me the chance to make choices that I wouldn't change. Choices that despite the pain, suffering and hardship have given me a fighting chance in this thing called life.
Just this morning, I was reminded that life's betrayals happen for the greater good; for growth. It was a truly ironic day for such a sermon this morning. Never, would I have imagined that I would be reminded in a much harsher way, just hours later, that unless I am constantly removing bricks, piece by piece, the walls and the body armor will rebuild itself. This battle that I fight every second will never truly be over. There will never be a winning flag to wave at the end of the war, claiming final victory.
I was also reminded today that there will never be a white flag waved either. I will fight this battle within, till my death. I will battle guilt and shame and work to keep the walls and armor torn down, day in and day out to make sure that the person I am today remains and that the person that once was is just someone that once was. Today I find comfort in knowing that my knuckles may always be bloodied but those walls and my armor will not be rebuilt. I continue to be take it down brick by brick, piece by piece, day by day.
~Angela
Saturday, March 2, 2013
"Look at me" NOT
When you're a fat girl, one of your worst fears is people looking at you or staring at you. You worry about going into stores. You really worry about exercising because god, what would those thin bitches think. Realistically, you do everything you can not not be noticed. Somehow, I thought that would all change as I lost weight and oddly enough, I still hear those same voices in my head even now. Sometimes their different, "she's not really one of us" or "she did it the easy way so it doesn't count". Other times, I hear the same stuff I did before. Stuff like "she's way too fat for those clothes" or "should she be eating that". One day, someday, I hope the voices in my head go away. I'd like to say they will but who knows, really.
Today, I weighed in and I made it into the high 120's. (128.6). One would think I would be able to carry off the attitude of "look at me" like the skinny girls do. You see the problem with that, is that I don't consider myself skinny. Yeah, I get it. I know the scales say I am. I know everyone around me sees me as skinny. It gets pointed out often (sometimes not in a nice way) but still, my brain hasn't caught up to everyone else. I "didn't get the memo" so to speak.
The "Breaking out of the armor" title means something to me. For me, breaking out of this armor that I have carried decades means more than just losing weight. For me, it is as much an internal armor as it is a physical armor that I hide behind. I have left many many pieces of that armor (both internal and external) laying behind on the road of this journey. I have more to leave behind still. It is much harder to leave the internal armor behind as it protects me so much from pain and hurt and emotions that I simply don't like feeling. I will get there though, one piece of armor at a time, until I am really ready to say "look at me, no more armor".
I started this blog to remind me of my journey. I wanted to look back from the beginning and throughout the journey and see my struggles, my fears, my accomplishments. I am extremely thankful that I started this blog. It really helps me reflect back and it really helps me to see "me" now. I look at others on their weight loss journeys and it gives me hope and strength knowing that they are working hard and one day will look back and see how far they have come. Some may struggle with it like me, others may not. Either way, I hope that they are keeping a journal/blog of their own journey to reflect upon.
Today, my reflection is of this. If I were to lose eight more pounds, I will have lost HALF of myself. That's insane, truly, truly, insane. It's hard to grasp your mind around. Now I'm not looking to lose eight more pounds. I want to start building muscle and level out about the weight I am at now. I'm sure I'll lose a little more but then muscle weight will kick in and hopefully balance me out. That's the game plan anyway. :D
As I end this entry, to those reading my blog, take the time to reflect often on whatever journey in life you're on. Shell shock is still shell shock even if no one else can see or understand it but you. :D
Before taken May 16th at 241 lbs
Taken March 2nd at 128.6 lbs
Today, I weighed in and I made it into the high 120's. (128.6). One would think I would be able to carry off the attitude of "look at me" like the skinny girls do. You see the problem with that, is that I don't consider myself skinny. Yeah, I get it. I know the scales say I am. I know everyone around me sees me as skinny. It gets pointed out often (sometimes not in a nice way) but still, my brain hasn't caught up to everyone else. I "didn't get the memo" so to speak.
The "Breaking out of the armor" title means something to me. For me, breaking out of this armor that I have carried decades means more than just losing weight. For me, it is as much an internal armor as it is a physical armor that I hide behind. I have left many many pieces of that armor (both internal and external) laying behind on the road of this journey. I have more to leave behind still. It is much harder to leave the internal armor behind as it protects me so much from pain and hurt and emotions that I simply don't like feeling. I will get there though, one piece of armor at a time, until I am really ready to say "look at me, no more armor".
I started this blog to remind me of my journey. I wanted to look back from the beginning and throughout the journey and see my struggles, my fears, my accomplishments. I am extremely thankful that I started this blog. It really helps me reflect back and it really helps me to see "me" now. I look at others on their weight loss journeys and it gives me hope and strength knowing that they are working hard and one day will look back and see how far they have come. Some may struggle with it like me, others may not. Either way, I hope that they are keeping a journal/blog of their own journey to reflect upon.
Today, my reflection is of this. If I were to lose eight more pounds, I will have lost HALF of myself. That's insane, truly, truly, insane. It's hard to grasp your mind around. Now I'm not looking to lose eight more pounds. I want to start building muscle and level out about the weight I am at now. I'm sure I'll lose a little more but then muscle weight will kick in and hopefully balance me out. That's the game plan anyway. :D
As I end this entry, to those reading my blog, take the time to reflect often on whatever journey in life you're on. Shell shock is still shell shock even if no one else can see or understand it but you. :D
Before taken May 16th at 241 lbs
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I need to find this!
Really, truly.... I know it's time for me to start this part of my journey. It's amazing at what a little fear of hurting my back again can do, mixed with lack of energy and umph to do it. I KNOW that I need to do this for myself. I know that I need to involve my family and increase our activity and exercise. I just have to jump that hurdle and start doing it. That old saying of it only takes 21 days to create a habit. If I can get my butt in gear, start out with even just three days a week and keep at it solid for a month, I know that I will succeed at this too.
Telling myself this everyday and then doing nothing about it certainly isn't getting me anywhere! :D At least, I acknowledge this.
Telling myself this everyday and then doing nothing about it certainly isn't getting me anywhere! :D At least, I acknowledge this.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Stirring up the perspective.
As I've mentioned before, Holly's blog 300 Pounds Down has been a favorite of mine throughout my journey. Today she wrote about excess skin, stretch marks and scars and it really hit home. This is a huge battle for me right now. I look at myself in the mirror and I see the sagging skin and the sagging boobs and the sagging inner thighs and the scars and the stretch marks and and and and.. well I could go on forever but I won't. My point is that even with the weight coming off, I am still struggling with seeing myself as pretty or beautiful or anything other than ugly. I am always pointing these negative things out in my head. I even get embarrassed at the thought of someone else seeing my "nasty" looking skin as I refer to it.
After reading Holly's blog today, I was reminded that I didn't set out on this journey to lose a certain amount of weight and become skinny. I set out to be healthier, to be able to live life, to be able to not have a life of medical conditions due to my health, to win the battle that I was losing with binge and emotional eating, to get a chance of living life before it was too late and to let go of the armor that I have lived with for far too long.... You know what? I'm achieved most, if not all of those goals. (the living life is still a struggle with the back surgery pain and fear of re injury and I'm still struggling with bits of armor but I'm not giving up!) I set out on this journey with a purpose in mind and I've have worked extremely hard. Why am I allowing myself to discredit that hard work? So what if I have excess skin, stretch marks and scars. I'm alive, healthier and continuing my journey. I was reminded today that the flaws I see continue to be there because I allow myself to dwell on them, just as I did the weight when it was there. There were so many statements in Holly's blog today that I couldn't have said better myself; all stuff that I've allowed myself to fall prey to.
It is time for me to start looking at the much much larger picture here. Who cares if my skin sags or I have stretch marks and scars? Does it change the person I am? Why do I stress so much about it? I know that as time continues and I heal from my back injuries that I can work on those areas but they will most likely always be problem areas. I also know that more than likely, there will always be areas on my body that I could always feel less than happy with. Knowing that, why should I continue to let myself dwell the "ugly" me? I SHOULDN'T DAMN IT. It's time for me to start allowing myself to actually love myself and my body and be okay with how I look. It's time for me to stop apologizing to everyone about the flaws that I think they're thinking about when I'm the one seeing them on my body. It's time for me to accept and love myself and it's time for me to be okay with knowing that people are either going to love and accept me with my flaws and all or they won't accept them. Either way, I am going to stop dwelling on self image issues and just learn to be happy with me the way I AM now.
Always,
Angela
http://www.300poundsdown.com/2013/02/excess-skin-stretch-marks-and-scars-oh-my.html
After reading Holly's blog today, I was reminded that I didn't set out on this journey to lose a certain amount of weight and become skinny. I set out to be healthier, to be able to live life, to be able to not have a life of medical conditions due to my health, to win the battle that I was losing with binge and emotional eating, to get a chance of living life before it was too late and to let go of the armor that I have lived with for far too long.... You know what? I'm achieved most, if not all of those goals. (the living life is still a struggle with the back surgery pain and fear of re injury and I'm still struggling with bits of armor but I'm not giving up!) I set out on this journey with a purpose in mind and I've have worked extremely hard. Why am I allowing myself to discredit that hard work? So what if I have excess skin, stretch marks and scars. I'm alive, healthier and continuing my journey. I was reminded today that the flaws I see continue to be there because I allow myself to dwell on them, just as I did the weight when it was there. There were so many statements in Holly's blog today that I couldn't have said better myself; all stuff that I've allowed myself to fall prey to.
It is time for me to start looking at the much much larger picture here. Who cares if my skin sags or I have stretch marks and scars? Does it change the person I am? Why do I stress so much about it? I know that as time continues and I heal from my back injuries that I can work on those areas but they will most likely always be problem areas. I also know that more than likely, there will always be areas on my body that I could always feel less than happy with. Knowing that, why should I continue to let myself dwell the "ugly" me? I SHOULDN'T DAMN IT. It's time for me to start allowing myself to actually love myself and my body and be okay with how I look. It's time for me to stop apologizing to everyone about the flaws that I think they're thinking about when I'm the one seeing them on my body. It's time for me to accept and love myself and it's time for me to be okay with knowing that people are either going to love and accept me with my flaws and all or they won't accept them. Either way, I am going to stop dwelling on self image issues and just learn to be happy with me the way I AM now.
Always,
Angela
http://www.300poundsdown.com/2013/02/excess-skin-stretch-marks-and-scars-oh-my.html
Thursday, February 7, 2013
100+ pounds later (yes, a little late) :D
I've been wanting to write this for a few weeks now but life has been crazy. I have some unexpected time this morning so here I am!
January 18th's weigh in marked a 101 pound weight loss for me. When I set out on this journey, I did not have a set scale number in mind. I hadn't weighed any less than 180 since I was in my late teens and was at my heaviest at almost 300 lbs. I made the goal to let the journey take me where I was destined to go and that my body would know where it needs to be. Honestly, I never expected to see 140 lbs on the scales. I never expected to see 133.8 on the scales either (where I am sitting at currently). I purposefully made the choice not to have an end number in sight so that there would not be that disappointment if it was never attained. I chose to believe in myself and my body and just walk the path.
Now that I have passed the 100 lb mark and am continuing to lose weight (little by little) I find myself thinking more about where the "wheel" is going to stop. What is my body thinking? What should I be expecting? I am now at a normal (healthy) bmi according to the charts. I've added in foods that I haven't eaten in 9 months. I'm slowly eating a piece of candy here and some here. I also started better tracking my protein. I thought I was getting more in daily than I actually am so I am working on that. With all of that being said, I am still awed every time I see the numbers or every time I think about clothing or even every time I see myself. How is it that I don't recognize the woman looking back at me? And an even bigger question... How do I learn to recognize that woman?
I get compliments about how well I have done all the time. I am learning to accept those compliments. That is very hard as I'm sure most of you know. I also get the "you're so lucky" comments. Yes, I was truly blessed with a tool that helped me get to where I am at right now. I still did all the hard work. I could have easily have taken that tool and wasted it. I worked (and still work) hard during this journey and I am very thankful for the support from loved ones and friends who recognize that. I would honestly like to say that it is an easier journey with the weight loss tool. I'd be lying though. Yes, sure I do have a smaller stomach and it is hard for me to eat a lot. But you know what, people who have had weight loss surgery eat more than they should and give up the tool everyday. I chose to keep my tool. I worked hard to not overeat and to control my eating disorder of binge eating in order to make this life style work. Certainly not easier there. So what does make it easier? I watch what type of foods I eat, I limit how much I eat, I avoid temptations, I struggle with the "Fuck it" days. I find things like m&m's popping into my mouth. All of these are struggles that anyone trying to lose weight has. What I am trying to say with all of this rambling is that even without the blessing of a WLS tool, it can be done. And it can be done the same way that I have done it. Granted yes, it is a slower battle but that is a good thing. Personally speaking, shell shock is not fun and is extremely difficult to go through and process. Be happy that you'll get to your end goal (whatever that might be for you) and be able to have processed the journey along the way and arrive at your destination a little more sane than me. :D
In the end, I look back at these last 9 months and how many changes I have made (not just physically but in all areas of my life). I'm still the same Angela as before, I just let go of that old armor. I'm still adjusting to this new armor though and I admit, sometimes (okay more than sometimes) I want to run back and find my old armor that I gave up and put it back on out of fear. That same fear also keeps me grounded here in the present, working on self image struggles that I have now. Yes, they're different than ones I had with the old body armor but they're still here. I'd imagine that these struggles will try and stay but I'm not letting them unpack their shit. Sooner rather than later, they're out the door. ;)
For those on the journey of bettering yourself (with whatever goals you might have)! It's worth it. No matter what way you get to your own end result, it is worth it. Be prepared for the good, the bad, and the worse. But also be prepared to reflect and pull yourself back up, and keep moving. It's okay to stumble. It's okay when those doubts sneak in. Just remember that this is your OWN journey so OWN it. Each of us have our own journey and it can't be compared to someone else's. Just remember to KICK ASS and don't let pebbles, rocks or even boulders take you down for the long haul. Dust yourself off and keep putting one foot in front of the other!
Love ya!
Angela
January 18th's weigh in marked a 101 pound weight loss for me. When I set out on this journey, I did not have a set scale number in mind. I hadn't weighed any less than 180 since I was in my late teens and was at my heaviest at almost 300 lbs. I made the goal to let the journey take me where I was destined to go and that my body would know where it needs to be. Honestly, I never expected to see 140 lbs on the scales. I never expected to see 133.8 on the scales either (where I am sitting at currently). I purposefully made the choice not to have an end number in sight so that there would not be that disappointment if it was never attained. I chose to believe in myself and my body and just walk the path.
Now that I have passed the 100 lb mark and am continuing to lose weight (little by little) I find myself thinking more about where the "wheel" is going to stop. What is my body thinking? What should I be expecting? I am now at a normal (healthy) bmi according to the charts. I've added in foods that I haven't eaten in 9 months. I'm slowly eating a piece of candy here and some here. I also started better tracking my protein. I thought I was getting more in daily than I actually am so I am working on that. With all of that being said, I am still awed every time I see the numbers or every time I think about clothing or even every time I see myself. How is it that I don't recognize the woman looking back at me? And an even bigger question... How do I learn to recognize that woman?
I get compliments about how well I have done all the time. I am learning to accept those compliments. That is very hard as I'm sure most of you know. I also get the "you're so lucky" comments. Yes, I was truly blessed with a tool that helped me get to where I am at right now. I still did all the hard work. I could have easily have taken that tool and wasted it. I worked (and still work) hard during this journey and I am very thankful for the support from loved ones and friends who recognize that. I would honestly like to say that it is an easier journey with the weight loss tool. I'd be lying though. Yes, sure I do have a smaller stomach and it is hard for me to eat a lot. But you know what, people who have had weight loss surgery eat more than they should and give up the tool everyday. I chose to keep my tool. I worked hard to not overeat and to control my eating disorder of binge eating in order to make this life style work. Certainly not easier there. So what does make it easier? I watch what type of foods I eat, I limit how much I eat, I avoid temptations, I struggle with the "Fuck it" days. I find things like m&m's popping into my mouth. All of these are struggles that anyone trying to lose weight has. What I am trying to say with all of this rambling is that even without the blessing of a WLS tool, it can be done. And it can be done the same way that I have done it. Granted yes, it is a slower battle but that is a good thing. Personally speaking, shell shock is not fun and is extremely difficult to go through and process. Be happy that you'll get to your end goal (whatever that might be for you) and be able to have processed the journey along the way and arrive at your destination a little more sane than me. :D
In the end, I look back at these last 9 months and how many changes I have made (not just physically but in all areas of my life). I'm still the same Angela as before, I just let go of that old armor. I'm still adjusting to this new armor though and I admit, sometimes (okay more than sometimes) I want to run back and find my old armor that I gave up and put it back on out of fear. That same fear also keeps me grounded here in the present, working on self image struggles that I have now. Yes, they're different than ones I had with the old body armor but they're still here. I'd imagine that these struggles will try and stay but I'm not letting them unpack their shit. Sooner rather than later, they're out the door. ;)
For those on the journey of bettering yourself (with whatever goals you might have)! It's worth it. No matter what way you get to your own end result, it is worth it. Be prepared for the good, the bad, and the worse. But also be prepared to reflect and pull yourself back up, and keep moving. It's okay to stumble. It's okay when those doubts sneak in. Just remember that this is your OWN journey so OWN it. Each of us have our own journey and it can't be compared to someone else's. Just remember to KICK ASS and don't let pebbles, rocks or even boulders take you down for the long haul. Dust yourself off and keep putting one foot in front of the other!
Love ya!
Angela
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Don't give up!
Holly (although we've never met in person) has been an amazing inspiration to me throughout my weight loss journey (even before the surgery). I read every blog she writes. Her blog today (onederland) has a video at the end of it that I think so many of us in life right need to see right now as we struggle through our battles. I love it and wanted to share.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wtSKzHxVqxQ#!
Holly's blog "300lbs down is located at http://www.300poundsdown.com/ I would highly recommend subscribing by email in the top right corner.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wtSKzHxVqxQ#!
Holly's blog "300lbs down is located at http://www.300poundsdown.com/ I would highly recommend subscribing by email in the top right corner.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
15 THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE UP TO BE HAPPY
15 THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE UP TO
BE HAPPY
1. Give up your need to always
be right
There are so many of
us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even
at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and
pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’
need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this
question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne
Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?
2. Give up your need for control
Be willing to give up
your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you –
situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or
just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything
and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that
make you feel.
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who
let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu
3. Give up on blame
Give up on your need
to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t
feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your
life.
4. Give up your self-defeating
self-talk
Oh my. How many people
are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive
self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you
– especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.
“The mind is a superb
instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very
destructive.” Eckhart Tolle
5. Give up your limiting
beliefs
Give up your limiting beliefs
about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now
on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in
the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!
“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that
holds the mind” Elly Roselle
6. Give up complaining
Give
up your constant need to complain about those many, many, many things – people,
situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make
you unhappy; no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to.
It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose
to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
7. Give up the luxury of
criticism
Give up your need to
criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all
different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to
love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and
something is wished by us all.
8. Give up your need to impress
others
Stop trying so hard to
be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this
way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the
moment you take off all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real
you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.
9. Give up your resistance to
change
Change is good. Change
will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your
life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change
– don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell
10. Give up labels
Stop labeling those
things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different
and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you
don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer
11. Give up on your fears
Fear is just an
illusion, it doesn't exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the
inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt
12. Give up your excuses
Send them packing and
tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit
ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on
improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all
kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.
13. Give up the past
I know, I know. It’s
hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the
future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact
that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past
you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was
ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in
everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a
destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always
be present in the now.
14. Give up attachment
This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I
have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something
impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you
detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn't mean you give up your love
for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,
attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure,
kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of
that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant,
so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to
understand all things without even trying; a state beyond words.
15. Give up living your life to
other people’s expectations
Way too many people
are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according
to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what
their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and
their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They
ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing
everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose
control over their lives. They forget
what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they
forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you
must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract
you from your path.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Failures
****I'm giving a warning in advance. This post is not a all is good and happy post so you should probably skip over it. My blog is supposed to be able the ups and downs and this is def a down.****
For most, there is always a failure here or a failure there in their life. For others yet, there are more than just an occasional failure. Then there are people who have days that they feel they are a complete failure at everything they do and that they should just stop fighting the fight to not be a failure.
Today, I feel like one of those people. Today, all I've done is cry. All I've done is feel like I'm a complete waste of flesh in all parts of my life. I feel like a horrible mother, a horrible wife, and a horrible friend. Just a horrible person to even be around. I feel like a complete failure who needs to just crawl away with my head hanging low and let everyone around me be happier in life.
Today is one of those days where I look at what I am told and how I feel, and wonder how I can ever overcome the failures and flaws I have. I try. Man, I try so hard to take feedback and work on it and try to be a better person that would make for a happier life. I feel like a failure because even though I am trying, it isn't visible to others. It makes me feel like that others have gotten so used to me being that person that makes them unhappy that no matter how much I try to fix my issues, it won't get seen. The failure will still be there. I'll still be that person. Now, I know that I have some great qualities and that I'm not really such a horrible person. That there are things that people love about me. I get that. There are also things that people hate about me and those qualities affect views of the good qualities.
I know life is full of struggles and things don't work out the way you want them to and that they say all you can do is give it your best. What happens when that best isn't seen? When it comes to losing weight, it has been visible for me (for others, I know it isn't always the same and that it's a lot slower). It has been 7 months of pure struggle and fighting to lose the weight that I have lost. People can see that. They know I am working on it. There are certainly things I could be doing to better up my best right now in the physical body realm of life but I know I am working on it and that is good. When it comes to changes that aren't visible like weight loss, it's a whole different playing field. Saying I'm working on it isn't that black and white. Even more so, sometimes even all the changes in the world might never be visible because of the lens that is looked through.....try and try and try and it still seems like everything being worked on has been a failure.
Though I feel like a complete failure, I know that I won't give it. It's not who I am. I struggle and struggle and I push through with the optimistic thoughts that change will eventually be seen and understood and accepted. I will continue to work on the changes and redefine my flaws. I just really wish there was a ticker like the one on the side of my blog that showed my progress on other changes so that the world could see it and I wouldn't have to feel like a complete failure. That would be just swell.
And if you are still reading, (which means you didn't listen to my warning at the top) the days that you feel your worse can give you hope for days that you will feel better. Don't give up hope. Know that it's really only failure if you stop trying to succeed. Sometimes our struggles in life take us backwards for a bit but get back on the path and move forward again and again and again and you'll succeed. It really helps if you have supportive people who love and push you, which, I KNOW we all do. There are supportive people in each of our lives. Hang on to their support and positiveness. It will move you forward again if you take a step back. Other things that help are big tight loving hugs and words of encouragement and just knowing that you're loved.
P.S. I love you! (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) You can do this!
For most, there is always a failure here or a failure there in their life. For others yet, there are more than just an occasional failure. Then there are people who have days that they feel they are a complete failure at everything they do and that they should just stop fighting the fight to not be a failure.
Today, I feel like one of those people. Today, all I've done is cry. All I've done is feel like I'm a complete waste of flesh in all parts of my life. I feel like a horrible mother, a horrible wife, and a horrible friend. Just a horrible person to even be around. I feel like a complete failure who needs to just crawl away with my head hanging low and let everyone around me be happier in life.
Today is one of those days where I look at what I am told and how I feel, and wonder how I can ever overcome the failures and flaws I have. I try. Man, I try so hard to take feedback and work on it and try to be a better person that would make for a happier life. I feel like a failure because even though I am trying, it isn't visible to others. It makes me feel like that others have gotten so used to me being that person that makes them unhappy that no matter how much I try to fix my issues, it won't get seen. The failure will still be there. I'll still be that person. Now, I know that I have some great qualities and that I'm not really such a horrible person. That there are things that people love about me. I get that. There are also things that people hate about me and those qualities affect views of the good qualities.
I know life is full of struggles and things don't work out the way you want them to and that they say all you can do is give it your best. What happens when that best isn't seen? When it comes to losing weight, it has been visible for me (for others, I know it isn't always the same and that it's a lot slower). It has been 7 months of pure struggle and fighting to lose the weight that I have lost. People can see that. They know I am working on it. There are certainly things I could be doing to better up my best right now in the physical body realm of life but I know I am working on it and that is good. When it comes to changes that aren't visible like weight loss, it's a whole different playing field. Saying I'm working on it isn't that black and white. Even more so, sometimes even all the changes in the world might never be visible because of the lens that is looked through.....try and try and try and it still seems like everything being worked on has been a failure.
Though I feel like a complete failure, I know that I won't give it. It's not who I am. I struggle and struggle and I push through with the optimistic thoughts that change will eventually be seen and understood and accepted. I will continue to work on the changes and redefine my flaws. I just really wish there was a ticker like the one on the side of my blog that showed my progress on other changes so that the world could see it and I wouldn't have to feel like a complete failure. That would be just swell.
And if you are still reading, (which means you didn't listen to my warning at the top) the days that you feel your worse can give you hope for days that you will feel better. Don't give up hope. Know that it's really only failure if you stop trying to succeed. Sometimes our struggles in life take us backwards for a bit but get back on the path and move forward again and again and again and you'll succeed. It really helps if you have supportive people who love and push you, which, I KNOW we all do. There are supportive people in each of our lives. Hang on to their support and positiveness. It will move you forward again if you take a step back. Other things that help are big tight loving hugs and words of encouragement and just knowing that you're loved.
P.S. I love you! (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) You can do this!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This is so true!
I've had to learn and relearn this over the years! I think that there is so much truth in this though.
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