January 18th's weigh in marked a 101 pound weight loss for me. When I set out on this journey, I did not have a set scale number in mind. I hadn't weighed any less than 180 since I was in my late teens and was at my heaviest at almost 300 lbs. I made the goal to let the journey take me where I was destined to go and that my body would know where it needs to be. Honestly, I never expected to see 140 lbs on the scales. I never expected to see 133.8 on the scales either (where I am sitting at currently). I purposefully made the choice not to have an end number in sight so that there would not be that disappointment if it was never attained. I chose to believe in myself and my body and just walk the path.
Now that I have passed the 100 lb mark and am continuing to lose weight (little by little) I find myself thinking more about where the "wheel" is going to stop. What is my body thinking? What should I be expecting? I am now at a normal (healthy) bmi according to the charts. I've added in foods that I haven't eaten in 9 months. I'm slowly eating a piece of candy here and some here. I also started better tracking my protein. I thought I was getting more in daily than I actually am so I am working on that. With all of that being said, I am still awed every time I see the numbers or every time I think about clothing or even every time I see myself. How is it that I don't recognize the woman looking back at me? And an even bigger question... How do I learn to recognize that woman?
I get compliments about how well I have done all the time. I am learning to accept those compliments. That is very hard as I'm sure most of you know. I also get the "you're so lucky" comments. Yes, I was truly blessed with a tool that helped me get to where I am at right now. I still did all the hard work. I could have easily have taken that tool and wasted it. I worked (and still work) hard during this journey and I am very thankful for the support from loved ones and friends who recognize that. I would honestly like to say that it is an easier journey with the weight loss tool. I'd be lying though. Yes, sure I do have a smaller stomach and it is hard for me to eat a lot. But you know what, people who have had weight loss surgery eat more than they should and give up the tool everyday. I chose to keep my tool. I worked hard to not overeat and to control my eating disorder of binge eating in order to make this life style work. Certainly not easier there. So what does make it easier? I watch what type of foods I eat, I limit how much I eat, I avoid temptations, I struggle with the "Fuck it" days. I find things like m&m's popping into my mouth. All of these are struggles that anyone trying to lose weight has. What I am trying to say with all of this rambling is that even without the blessing of a WLS tool, it can be done. And it can be done the same way that I have done it. Granted yes, it is a slower battle but that is a good thing. Personally speaking, shell shock is not fun and is extremely difficult to go through and process. Be happy that you'll get to your end goal (whatever that might be for you) and be able to have processed the journey along the way and arrive at your destination a little more sane than me. :D
In the end, I look back at these last 9 months and how many changes I have made (not just physically but in all areas of my life). I'm still the same Angela as before, I just let go of that old armor. I'm still adjusting to this new armor though and I admit, sometimes (okay more than sometimes) I want to run back and find my old armor that I gave up and put it back on out of fear. That same fear also keeps me grounded here in the present, working on self image struggles that I have now. Yes, they're different than ones I had with the old body armor but they're still here. I'd imagine that these struggles will try and stay but I'm not letting them unpack their shit. Sooner rather than later, they're out the door. ;)
For those on the journey of bettering yourself (with whatever goals you might have)! It's worth it. No matter what way you get to your own end result, it is worth it. Be prepared for the good, the bad, and the worse. But also be prepared to reflect and pull yourself back up, and keep moving. It's okay to stumble. It's okay when those doubts sneak in. Just remember that this is your OWN journey so OWN it. Each of us have our own journey and it can't be compared to someone else's. Just remember to KICK ASS and don't let pebbles, rocks or even boulders take you down for the long haul. Dust yourself off and keep putting one foot in front of the other!
Love ya!
Angela
No comments:
Post a Comment