WLS

This is a great article on WLS.   http://www.webmd.com/diet/weight-loss-surgery/weight-loss-surgery-08/long-term-results

WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) is not an easy way out.  By far, it is the hardest way to lose weight.  I would love to tell people otherwise but I would be lying. Even at 6 months out, I struggle daily.  I never know if something I've eaten several times before is going to stay down this time. I am constantly thinking "okay, how much protein have I had today? Am I drinking enough?"  There's no more soda. No more caffeine.  No more energy drinks to keep you awake while you're trying to make it through the day. No sugars, no snacking.  There's the vitamins and other pills that you have to take twice daily because you simply can not eat enough to get what your body needs to maintain health. Add the shock that your body goes through after the surgery and during the weight loss phase, the social adjustments, the judgement and 100 other things that are simply just too many to list.......... I repeat WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY IS NOT AN EASY WAY OUT.

So why?  Because so many of us struggle with weight for so long there there simply is no other choice.  There are research studies after research studies out there showing stats of people who have lost weight by diet and exercise and their bodies gain the weight back, even with life style changes (this can happen even with WLS). There are people who eat right, exercise, and work damn hard every freaking day and can't lose the weight because their body won't let go of it.  (There is significant data out there to prove this).  WLS isn't a fix all.  It's just a different struggle. It does give people a fighting chance at obesity though. It can make a difference in someones life who is struggling. It can give someone a chance to live a longer happier life.

Would I do it over again?  YOU BET.  I've battled weight my whole adult life. My battle with weight will never end. Just because I get to my "goal" weight, does not mean that my battle is over. There will ALWAYS be a battle. It's worth it though.  I would do it again in a heart beat. I would recommend gastric bypass in a heartbeat.  It can be that amazing tool that someone needs. That tool that finally allows someone to see past that dark pit of the weight battle. A tool that shouldn't be used as a judgement against people.

It simple terms, WLS is a tool.  It can be used to assist with weight loss, just like a treadmill or a low calorie diet.  Use the tool and you can benefit. Remember that some tools simply do not do the job for some people and they have to look at other tools and no tool is easier than the others. Weight loss is a battle in itself, no matter what tools you use. Just don't give up. Find the right fit!  There is one out there!

An eye opener!

http://mobile.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/11/from_obese_to_chubby_how_i_lost_the_weight_and_why_you_shouldn_t_admire.html

Just crazy!

It's amazing at how much change can hit you.  I've haven't been myself lately and I hardly know who I am. The changes are crazy. November 16th marks my 6 month surgerversary. In 6 months I have lost 80 lbs.  I look at this picture and I think wow.  WHO IS THAT PERSON?  

Oh yeah, its this person.  There I am.  Yep, that's the person I see. Okay, I can breath now. 

You see, losing 80 pounds in 6 months doesn't really allow you time to prepare for what to do next. They don't tell you that you need to continue to breathe. It's really crazy.   I have not been this small (and I'm still considered overweight) since I was a teenage. And guess what??? ALOT has changed since I was a teenager.  New fashions, new hair styles, new make up styles.... I'm not prepared for this. I'm a fat girl who does nothing with her hair except wash it and let it dry natural. I don't wear makeup, I don't do my hair and I love my jeans and t-shirts. All of that has been part of my body armor for over 2 decades. "Don't draw attention to yourself"   So now what?  Am I really ready to let all that go and say "Hey, look at me?"  

As you can tell in the top picture, I'm wearing makeup.  I've been pushing myself for the last 4 days to put on makeup daily.  Truth is I suck at makeup.  Even as a teenage, I rarely wore makeup.  Right now, I have my own teenager (well almost teenager) giving me makeup advice.  She's a makeup every day type of girl.  She's got that "Look at me" attitude and I love that about her.  I love that she's so outgoing and knows that she's amazingly beautiful and doesn't care what others think of her.  So how do I get that?  I certainly am NOT ready or wanting for that matter to be an attention seeker but I'd love to look in the mirror and see myself right now looking good and trendy rather than seeing myself looking like the second picture. It's crazy but that's how I still see myself in the mirror. I'm putting makeup and I don't see myself as the woman in the first set of pictures. I'm blow drying my hair every day and I don't see myself as the woman in the first set of pictures.  Will I ever? Can I really let go of the Armor?  Its crazy.... CRAZY.....

Broken

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I am having a very hard time right now. There are areas in my life that are going great.  I'm doing good with my weight loss.  I'm dedicated to staying positive and pushing through.  There are things that I am really struggling with right now.  For me, this is extremely hard because so many around me are really really struggling right now. I feel like such a loser for even thinking that my struggles are there because others are hurting and I need to focus on helping them. For those that don't know me well, this thinking is part of me. I'm a helper. I've been blessed with the ability to be a support to others and Its my life goal to continue to do that. I'm not one to share when I am having a really hard time. I should be the rock. But right now, I don't feel that strong. I'm still struggling with pain from my back surgery. I worry every day about not properly managing that pain. I struggle with addiction (hence the need for the gastric bypass in the first place). They tell us over and over again to watch out for transfer addictions. They drill it into our heads that its a huge danger.  Perhaps that's why I'm so scared that I'm still on pain meds three weeks after the surgery.  I know I'm not abusing them. One every 6-8 hours is as prescribed by the dr. I am down to even less but it scares me that I still have to take them for the pain. I tried stopping yesterday.  Took my last one at 7:30 am. I sat through a day of homework and research hunting. I went to class and sat through class. I came home and went to bed without one even though I was hurting and wanted one. By 1:00 A.M, I woke up in so much pain that I wanted to cry. I couldn't get comfortable. I tried for almost an hour before breaking down and taking one. Then the panic attack came. A stupid panic attack over the pain and the freaking pain pill.  Man, I'm a mess. So after taking my anxiety meds and playing on the computer, while waiting for the meds to kick in, I finally made it back to bed, completely broken. I was filled with such disappointment with myself. Broken....

Add the stress of that into everything else that is going on and it makes me feel even more broken.  I'm struggling with school right now. This semester has been extremely rough on me. Hard classes and new work on the project they require us to do before we can graduate with our Masters degree.  I feel at times that I just want to walk away.  To give up that destiny of being a counselor. I can't make it through school. It's an empty dream.  I know everyone one feels this way when school gets hard. I'm not giving up. I can't give up. My husband and girls are depending on me to finish. I won't let them down. That doesn't mean that I don't think about just walking away, getting a job and just living life with a job instead of the dream I've always wanted. It's a damn good thing, I'm not a quitter. I've been through rougher times and hung my head high even though I was dying inside. I know I can do the same now. I need to do that now.  I see the struggles that my husband endures at work because he knows its short term. He's counting on me. I'm counting on me.  

I am broken. Realistically, everyone of us is broken. The good news is that we're not shattered into a million pieces. I can live with broken. I know this broken me is loved by so many. Its days like today that seem overwhelming and impossible but I know anything is possible. I've lived through the impossibles in life. I've survived. I've endured and I've succeeded.

I'm surrounded in life by people I love intensely.  Their struggles are my struggles. Each struggle is also mine.  They know that I've got their back. And even more so they know that I can do that, even though I struggle. While this post isn't a typical one for me, it helped me realize that I am okay. My loved ones struggling right now are okay. The struggles in life are life. Broken or not, life still hands each of us struggles. Broken is okay. Broken is expected. Broken is the new normal. The good news is that we ALL have a huge support system that will make sure we don't shatter. We won't shatter.  WE WON"T SHATTER.  I swear!

~Always,
Angela

"Some day we shall learn to lay our burdens on the altar of Love, that they may be consumed by the fire of faith in the Living Spirit."  — The Science of Mind, page 335

Ripples

So its been a month since I updated. Wow.   This month has been a huge struggle for me so I apologize for the lack of writing. I will try and update more often just in case there is anyone other than myself reading. lol (I know there are)

So October was a very rough month for me but I survived it and now it's November 1st. I found out through a MRI that I had a fragmented piece of my L5-S1 disk that had lodged into my sciatic nerve. That's whats been causing the severe pain in my butt, hip and left leg.  The surgeon was surprised that I was even able to walk. The problem required surgery, of course so within a week of finding out, I had a major back surgery. That was on the 17th.  I have to say that this being my 6th surgery in my life, that this has by far been the hardest in recovery. Two weeks out and I am still in quite a bit of pain in the incision area and deep in where they cut into my spinal canal, removed the bone covering it, dug out the piece and then sewed it up. The bone can't be replaced so now it has to heal on its own.  It's a horrible deep pain feeling. Two weeks and I'm still on pain pills which is really not like me at all. The plus side is that the pain I was feeling before the surgery is virtually gone. I still get pieces of it here and there but the surgeon said the nerve will take months to heal.

The pain from the nerve damage had started to get worse and worse since I had my gastric bypass.  I've been managing it but I fully admit I haven't been doing physical activities like I am supposed to be because of it. Yes, I did do my 5k and I'm truly amazed that I completed that with a chuck of disk in my nerve. After the surgery, I laid off eating right.  I started sneaking a chip or a piece of cookie here or there. A couple bites of pizza...... you get the point. Nothing like I was before the surgery but enough to make me feel guilty. Enough to put that thought in my head of "you're fucking this up Angela".  I did get back on track last week. I had a big heart to heart with myself and realized that I was getting somewhere with this weight loss and that I needed to buckle down and get back in the game. More importantly, I forgave myself and allowed myself to understand that it was not the end of the world and that I truly am doing good at what I need to be doing. I needed to know in my head that I was still on the right path. I also told myself that I am allowed to to take the time I need to heal and then I will get moving, literally.  :) I am not going to push myself and cause damage.  I need this time to heal so that this (crossing fingers) will be the last of surgeries and I can put the surgeons knife behind me.

Since getting back on track, I've lost the weight from having the surgery (you know that pump you full of fluid water retention weight), and have continued to lose.  I broke the 170 lb mark today and currently weigh 168.8.  I have not weight this since a teenage. This is huge for me. Furthermore according to my current weight and my height, I am now in the overweight category in the bmi chart with a 29.4 (yes that's the cusp but it is in the overweight category).  WOW.   Seeing that made me cry.

I know this is getting rather long but I've got more so bare with me. :)

I've come to realize that losing weight causes ripples in everything around me. It doesn't just affect me.  It affects so much more. This journey that I have been on has been extremely hard.  It's been hard on me but it's just as hard on the amazing people I have in my life. I worry about that effect often.  I know that even without the weight, I am still the person I was before. Hell, I still see myself physically as that person. (Here's to hoping someday, I can see the reflection that is actually in the mirror staring back at me) I am truly thankful that I started this journey. I am even more thankful for the loved ones that are walking beside me in this journey. Things aren't always easy but I know they know that I'm still Angela.  Weight won't change who I am. As this armor continues to come off, Angela will still be Angela. The ripples are ripples and I'm thankful that they're not waves or tsunami waves!  I am beyond thankful that each and everyone person in my life loves me and knows that I love them.  There is no way I could do this without that love and support.  I know that my loved ones struggle with their own struggles. Support is important in any struggle. I'm thankful that I am able to give support and love.  It's part of who I am and that won't ever change either. :)

Okay... I'll stop for now. I know this is long! I promise to try and write smaller ones and write them more often. :0

Angela