OMG I made my 2012 goal shout and a thank you for those who support me!

I am feeling so ecstatic! I made my 2012 goal to be below 250 by the end of the year.   I wasn't sure I could do it.  I mean that's over 90 lbs since May 16th.  But I DID it! WOW.  Even with two back surgeries and not being as active as I need to be because of the surgeries, I still made my goal.  I am like a giddy school girl.

I haven't been below 200 lbs since I was 18 or 19. I haven't been below 150 lbs since I was 17-18.  You have the understand that this as thin as I have been since I was in high school almost 20 years ago. I have spent 20 years heavy. I spent 20 years telling myself that I would always be heavy and that was just who I was and that I was fine with that.

I was truly blessed to have the option to have the WLS and have it covered by my insurance because of my medical issues. I thank God every day that I had that option. I tried over and over again to lose weight before the surgery. I watch other struggle with their weight and wish I could give them the opportunity that I was blessed with. By all means, it is not an easier route for weight loss. It is EXTREMELY hard. The hardest way I have ever ever tried. But it works when you use the surgery as a tool and use it the right way.

Lord knows, I struggle with telling people I had the surgery.  I just posted my accomplishment to Facebook a few minutes ago and Facebook friends are asking how I did it. I admit, I am having a panic attack right now about it. Do I tell them the truth. That I severely limited my food intake and calories, cut out soda, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, processes foods, and pretty much anything that wasn't loaded with protein. That I take over 15 pills a day to make sure I'm not malnourished. That I gave up food I really enjoy and replaced it with protein in forms of meat, dairy and limited veggies along with protein shakes that aren't exactly absolutely nummy....   That just within the last 2 months was I finally able to add some of this stuff back in severe moderation.... All of this is absolutely true.  This has been my life since WLS.

Or do I tell them the whole truth.. That I had a RNY Gastric Bypass that forced me to "severely limit my food intake and calories, cut out soda, caffeine, alcohol, sugar, processes foods, and pretty much anything that wasn't loaded with protein. That I take over 15 pills a day to make sure I'm not malnourished. That I gave up food I really enjoy and replaced it with protein in forms of meat, dairy and limited veggies along with protein shakes that aren't exactly absolutely nummy....   That just within the last 2 months was I finally able to add some of this stuff back in severe moderation...."  How do I answer this question.  It's been 7 months and I am still afraid to tell people. I'm still feel like I have to hide.  I think I really need to work on the why I need to hide part of that. I should be proud! I should be an advocate for WLS. It does work when you work with the tool given to you.

People look at you at sheer awe when you tell them you've lost 91 lbs and you tell them what you done to do that. Once you throw in that you had the gastric bypass, you can often see a look come over their face (not always).  That look says so you took the easy way out. You had to have a surgery to lose the weight. You didn't do it on your own.  That look knocks so much of that accomplishment feeling away.  It's deflating.

I have been extremely blessed to have an amazing support system of loved ones who have supported me along this journey.  I thank each and every one of you for helping me keep my spirits high and my motivation strong. I thank you for believing in me. I thank you for understanding that although the weight is coming off, that I am really still me and that won't ever change. I could not have taken this journey without all of you by my side. You support me and keep me inflated with someone comes along and deflates me. THANK YOU!  I love each and every one of you!

Now back to ponder how to answer the questions.

That slippery slope!

First off, yet again, it has been awhile since I have posted. I am sorry.  Nov 30th, I had another piece (well 3 actually) of disk fragment off and cut into my nerve. I had to have a second back surgery on the 5th of Dec and recovery was rather difficult. Two back surgeries in less than 3 months really sucked.  I am finally starting to feel a bit better. I took recovery more serious this time and spent a great deal of time in bed and have been listening to the Dr's orders and obeying them. I'm really hoping that this is the last back surgery I have to have.


Moving on!!!!

The last six weeks have been rather difficult.  It is now 7 months since I have had the gastric bypass and I hit 90 lbs weight loss today.  I know that I have been doing great with my progress.  I do get frustrated that I have not been able to exercise due to the back issues that I have had. I feel that I would be more toned and fit right now with exercise rather than being frustrated with how my skin looks. :(

Over the last few weeks, I have been feeling myself slide a little with my food choices. I know that a lot has to do with the struggles from surgery and having to take in-completes in my classes because I missed finals.  I have been catching myself taking a bit of this and a bit of that. I know this is a really bad habit to get into. With the holidays, its been even worse. There's been candy everywhere and I did holiday baking and we had the family in town for Christmas.  I know that I need to get back to being hard core about what I put in my mouth. I am taking this time to allow myself understanding about what I have been going through. In years past, I would have felt completely guilty and crushed and that would have caused even more issues. I'm not falling into that trap.  I gave myself a break and now know it's time to get back on track! :)

There will always be stress in my life. I get that. I am on a hunt to find a better, more productive way to deal with stress. I am no longer a stress eater. I don't have that option. In a few more weeks, hopefully I will be cleared for activity and I am looking forward to incorporating exercise into my life. I haven't been physically able to since the gastric bypass.  I will be soon!

For those that struggle with slippery slopes in life, learn to accept it and move past it without beating yourself up! Guilt won't change anything. Accepting the slip up and moving past it will help you greatly!   2013 is right around the corner!  Make 2013 count! I know I am going to.  I have so many growth opportunities! I am looking forward to each and every one of them! You can too!  : D

WLS

This is a great article on WLS.   http://www.webmd.com/diet/weight-loss-surgery/weight-loss-surgery-08/long-term-results

WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) is not an easy way out.  By far, it is the hardest way to lose weight.  I would love to tell people otherwise but I would be lying. Even at 6 months out, I struggle daily.  I never know if something I've eaten several times before is going to stay down this time. I am constantly thinking "okay, how much protein have I had today? Am I drinking enough?"  There's no more soda. No more caffeine.  No more energy drinks to keep you awake while you're trying to make it through the day. No sugars, no snacking.  There's the vitamins and other pills that you have to take twice daily because you simply can not eat enough to get what your body needs to maintain health. Add the shock that your body goes through after the surgery and during the weight loss phase, the social adjustments, the judgement and 100 other things that are simply just too many to list.......... I repeat WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY IS NOT AN EASY WAY OUT.

So why?  Because so many of us struggle with weight for so long there there simply is no other choice.  There are research studies after research studies out there showing stats of people who have lost weight by diet and exercise and their bodies gain the weight back, even with life style changes (this can happen even with WLS). There are people who eat right, exercise, and work damn hard every freaking day and can't lose the weight because their body won't let go of it.  (There is significant data out there to prove this).  WLS isn't a fix all.  It's just a different struggle. It does give people a fighting chance at obesity though. It can make a difference in someones life who is struggling. It can give someone a chance to live a longer happier life.

Would I do it over again?  YOU BET.  I've battled weight my whole adult life. My battle with weight will never end. Just because I get to my "goal" weight, does not mean that my battle is over. There will ALWAYS be a battle. It's worth it though.  I would do it again in a heart beat. I would recommend gastric bypass in a heartbeat.  It can be that amazing tool that someone needs. That tool that finally allows someone to see past that dark pit of the weight battle. A tool that shouldn't be used as a judgement against people.

It simple terms, WLS is a tool.  It can be used to assist with weight loss, just like a treadmill or a low calorie diet.  Use the tool and you can benefit. Remember that some tools simply do not do the job for some people and they have to look at other tools and no tool is easier than the others. Weight loss is a battle in itself, no matter what tools you use. Just don't give up. Find the right fit!  There is one out there!

An eye opener!

http://mobile.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2012/11/from_obese_to_chubby_how_i_lost_the_weight_and_why_you_shouldn_t_admire.html

Just crazy!

It's amazing at how much change can hit you.  I've haven't been myself lately and I hardly know who I am. The changes are crazy. November 16th marks my 6 month surgerversary. In 6 months I have lost 80 lbs.  I look at this picture and I think wow.  WHO IS THAT PERSON?  

Oh yeah, its this person.  There I am.  Yep, that's the person I see. Okay, I can breath now. 

You see, losing 80 pounds in 6 months doesn't really allow you time to prepare for what to do next. They don't tell you that you need to continue to breathe. It's really crazy.   I have not been this small (and I'm still considered overweight) since I was a teenage. And guess what??? ALOT has changed since I was a teenager.  New fashions, new hair styles, new make up styles.... I'm not prepared for this. I'm a fat girl who does nothing with her hair except wash it and let it dry natural. I don't wear makeup, I don't do my hair and I love my jeans and t-shirts. All of that has been part of my body armor for over 2 decades. "Don't draw attention to yourself"   So now what?  Am I really ready to let all that go and say "Hey, look at me?"  

As you can tell in the top picture, I'm wearing makeup.  I've been pushing myself for the last 4 days to put on makeup daily.  Truth is I suck at makeup.  Even as a teenage, I rarely wore makeup.  Right now, I have my own teenager (well almost teenager) giving me makeup advice.  She's a makeup every day type of girl.  She's got that "Look at me" attitude and I love that about her.  I love that she's so outgoing and knows that she's amazingly beautiful and doesn't care what others think of her.  So how do I get that?  I certainly am NOT ready or wanting for that matter to be an attention seeker but I'd love to look in the mirror and see myself right now looking good and trendy rather than seeing myself looking like the second picture. It's crazy but that's how I still see myself in the mirror. I'm putting makeup and I don't see myself as the woman in the first set of pictures. I'm blow drying my hair every day and I don't see myself as the woman in the first set of pictures.  Will I ever? Can I really let go of the Armor?  Its crazy.... CRAZY.....

Broken

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I am having a very hard time right now. There are areas in my life that are going great.  I'm doing good with my weight loss.  I'm dedicated to staying positive and pushing through.  There are things that I am really struggling with right now.  For me, this is extremely hard because so many around me are really really struggling right now. I feel like such a loser for even thinking that my struggles are there because others are hurting and I need to focus on helping them. For those that don't know me well, this thinking is part of me. I'm a helper. I've been blessed with the ability to be a support to others and Its my life goal to continue to do that. I'm not one to share when I am having a really hard time. I should be the rock. But right now, I don't feel that strong. I'm still struggling with pain from my back surgery. I worry every day about not properly managing that pain. I struggle with addiction (hence the need for the gastric bypass in the first place). They tell us over and over again to watch out for transfer addictions. They drill it into our heads that its a huge danger.  Perhaps that's why I'm so scared that I'm still on pain meds three weeks after the surgery.  I know I'm not abusing them. One every 6-8 hours is as prescribed by the dr. I am down to even less but it scares me that I still have to take them for the pain. I tried stopping yesterday.  Took my last one at 7:30 am. I sat through a day of homework and research hunting. I went to class and sat through class. I came home and went to bed without one even though I was hurting and wanted one. By 1:00 A.M, I woke up in so much pain that I wanted to cry. I couldn't get comfortable. I tried for almost an hour before breaking down and taking one. Then the panic attack came. A stupid panic attack over the pain and the freaking pain pill.  Man, I'm a mess. So after taking my anxiety meds and playing on the computer, while waiting for the meds to kick in, I finally made it back to bed, completely broken. I was filled with such disappointment with myself. Broken....

Add the stress of that into everything else that is going on and it makes me feel even more broken.  I'm struggling with school right now. This semester has been extremely rough on me. Hard classes and new work on the project they require us to do before we can graduate with our Masters degree.  I feel at times that I just want to walk away.  To give up that destiny of being a counselor. I can't make it through school. It's an empty dream.  I know everyone one feels this way when school gets hard. I'm not giving up. I can't give up. My husband and girls are depending on me to finish. I won't let them down. That doesn't mean that I don't think about just walking away, getting a job and just living life with a job instead of the dream I've always wanted. It's a damn good thing, I'm not a quitter. I've been through rougher times and hung my head high even though I was dying inside. I know I can do the same now. I need to do that now.  I see the struggles that my husband endures at work because he knows its short term. He's counting on me. I'm counting on me.  

I am broken. Realistically, everyone of us is broken. The good news is that we're not shattered into a million pieces. I can live with broken. I know this broken me is loved by so many. Its days like today that seem overwhelming and impossible but I know anything is possible. I've lived through the impossibles in life. I've survived. I've endured and I've succeeded.

I'm surrounded in life by people I love intensely.  Their struggles are my struggles. Each struggle is also mine.  They know that I've got their back. And even more so they know that I can do that, even though I struggle. While this post isn't a typical one for me, it helped me realize that I am okay. My loved ones struggling right now are okay. The struggles in life are life. Broken or not, life still hands each of us struggles. Broken is okay. Broken is expected. Broken is the new normal. The good news is that we ALL have a huge support system that will make sure we don't shatter. We won't shatter.  WE WON"T SHATTER.  I swear!

~Always,
Angela

"Some day we shall learn to lay our burdens on the altar of Love, that they may be consumed by the fire of faith in the Living Spirit."  — The Science of Mind, page 335

Ripples

So its been a month since I updated. Wow.   This month has been a huge struggle for me so I apologize for the lack of writing. I will try and update more often just in case there is anyone other than myself reading. lol (I know there are)

So October was a very rough month for me but I survived it and now it's November 1st. I found out through a MRI that I had a fragmented piece of my L5-S1 disk that had lodged into my sciatic nerve. That's whats been causing the severe pain in my butt, hip and left leg.  The surgeon was surprised that I was even able to walk. The problem required surgery, of course so within a week of finding out, I had a major back surgery. That was on the 17th.  I have to say that this being my 6th surgery in my life, that this has by far been the hardest in recovery. Two weeks out and I am still in quite a bit of pain in the incision area and deep in where they cut into my spinal canal, removed the bone covering it, dug out the piece and then sewed it up. The bone can't be replaced so now it has to heal on its own.  It's a horrible deep pain feeling. Two weeks and I'm still on pain pills which is really not like me at all. The plus side is that the pain I was feeling before the surgery is virtually gone. I still get pieces of it here and there but the surgeon said the nerve will take months to heal.

The pain from the nerve damage had started to get worse and worse since I had my gastric bypass.  I've been managing it but I fully admit I haven't been doing physical activities like I am supposed to be because of it. Yes, I did do my 5k and I'm truly amazed that I completed that with a chuck of disk in my nerve. After the surgery, I laid off eating right.  I started sneaking a chip or a piece of cookie here or there. A couple bites of pizza...... you get the point. Nothing like I was before the surgery but enough to make me feel guilty. Enough to put that thought in my head of "you're fucking this up Angela".  I did get back on track last week. I had a big heart to heart with myself and realized that I was getting somewhere with this weight loss and that I needed to buckle down and get back in the game. More importantly, I forgave myself and allowed myself to understand that it was not the end of the world and that I truly am doing good at what I need to be doing. I needed to know in my head that I was still on the right path. I also told myself that I am allowed to to take the time I need to heal and then I will get moving, literally.  :) I am not going to push myself and cause damage.  I need this time to heal so that this (crossing fingers) will be the last of surgeries and I can put the surgeons knife behind me.

Since getting back on track, I've lost the weight from having the surgery (you know that pump you full of fluid water retention weight), and have continued to lose.  I broke the 170 lb mark today and currently weigh 168.8.  I have not weight this since a teenage. This is huge for me. Furthermore according to my current weight and my height, I am now in the overweight category in the bmi chart with a 29.4 (yes that's the cusp but it is in the overweight category).  WOW.   Seeing that made me cry.

I know this is getting rather long but I've got more so bare with me. :)

I've come to realize that losing weight causes ripples in everything around me. It doesn't just affect me.  It affects so much more. This journey that I have been on has been extremely hard.  It's been hard on me but it's just as hard on the amazing people I have in my life. I worry about that effect often.  I know that even without the weight, I am still the person I was before. Hell, I still see myself physically as that person. (Here's to hoping someday, I can see the reflection that is actually in the mirror staring back at me) I am truly thankful that I started this journey. I am even more thankful for the loved ones that are walking beside me in this journey. Things aren't always easy but I know they know that I'm still Angela.  Weight won't change who I am. As this armor continues to come off, Angela will still be Angela. The ripples are ripples and I'm thankful that they're not waves or tsunami waves!  I am beyond thankful that each and everyone person in my life loves me and knows that I love them.  There is no way I could do this without that love and support.  I know that my loved ones struggle with their own struggles. Support is important in any struggle. I'm thankful that I am able to give support and love.  It's part of who I am and that won't ever change either. :)

Okay... I'll stop for now. I know this is long! I promise to try and write smaller ones and write them more often. :0

Angela

Hear that alarm buzzing?

I received another alarm today that life is too short to waste away. There is so much in my life that I want to see, that I want to live for and that I want to do. I don't want my husband, children, parents, siblings and friends having to struggle with my sickness or death. I am reminded that I am making changes in my life to avoid this but I can be doing so much more. Everyone needs "wake up calls" in life. More often than not, hitting that snooze button wears you down faster than if you had just "woke up" to begin with. Make a change (or two or ten) before it's really too late to wake up to life! Just do it!!!!!!! Please...


Two of my aunts are sick. Out of 12 siblings, I will have my mom and 3 other aunts left.  Our family has lived a life of unhealthy... It's scary to know that if I don't change my ways, I could end up the same fate. Its scary to know that my mom and sister are on that path with me. I see my mom suffering from her own health issues and now dealing with losing another sister and it breaks my heart. I don't want my loved ones to have to live that pain. 

I stay focused on my goals of losing my weight and eating better. I KNOW I can do more about my health though. I will be more active.  This lazy self has got to go.  Even its its just 10-15 minutes here or there, I need to be moving. I will be more active!  

Naked (not literally)

As I struggle through today, I find my thoughts constantly wandering back over not only the last five years but also the years before that.  Up until four months ago, I would have stuffed my face full of food to mask the pain of those memories and thoughts. I would have been on my third or forth binge session by now. Today however, that is not only no longer an option but its not a desire for me either. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep the day away. I got up instead. I wanted to go back to bed. I did not.  I sat here at my computer and instead of eating and hiding behind my armor, I shared with my husband. I forced myself not to mask myself and pretend to be okay. I instead took off the armor and stood "unprotected" all day. This is a new concept for me. I spent a bit of the morning rereading entries from my diary over the last five years.  That person that wrote in that diary was so full of anger and pain and she wore her armor every second of every day. BUT she felt so much safer in that armor. When you're naked, there's no protection. There's nothing to hide the raw emotion that comes in a fleeing second.  There is no safety. 

Does this mean that the armor means safety for me or is it a false safety net? Decades of armor (both mentally and physically) have only damaged my self worth and my relationships with others. My physical armor (weight) is coming off quickly.  I'll be honest. I am SCARED TO DEATH. Why?  Who the hell knows?  I certainly don't. I wish I could put into words why I am scared about being thinner. It doesn't mean I am giving up though. I will continue to lose weight and someday I know I'll be able to look back and grasp what I was afraid of and laugh at it.  

I still try to hold onto my mental armor.  After all, it is my safety net. I have to remind myself to be more open and vulnerable. I wish it came more naturally.  That fear of pain is always there though. That fear that someone will hurt me never goes away.  The battle scars run too deep.  But just like the physical armor I wear, I know that my mental armor has done enough damage and it needs to be retired, so I continue to work on wearing it less and less. 

I am very thankful that I have so much support in my life. My husband is my soul. He continues to support me and be patient with me. My best friend, Dawn, is my rock.  Just hearing her voice makes me regain strength. My family has always supported me.  My closest friends are always there to lend positivism and support.  I couldn't ask for any more love and encouragement.  I know that when I struggle, I won't have to by myself.  It is okay for me to let go of the armor.

Wake up!

I'm sure everyone has been told something along the lines of "you'll regret that when you get older" or "you'd better take care of your body because it is the only one you get".   It would have been great if I had listened to that advice when given to me. Years of self torture and sabotage have wrecked havoc on my temple. Am I doing something about it now?  I'm losing weight slowly but steady but to be 100% honest, I am still struggling with doing anything about it.  I'd love to say that I am exercising and stretching and working on undoing the damage.  I'd be lying though. I'm a big ol ball of excuses. "It hurts." "I'm too busy," "I'm doing it in small stages."

Yep, thats me!  FULL of BS.  I would love to wake up full of motivation and self love.  Typically I wake up and force myself to take that first step out of bed because my pelvic and hips hurt.  I then tell myself "today will be different" and start to plan something physical that will get me going. Then by nightfall when I am crawling into bed, I think "well another day where I failed at my goal of doing something."  The story just repeats from here. 

I know I'm not the only one that has fallen into this cycle. I know many others struggle with this same struggle. That doesn't make things any less easier to swallow.  Thoughts like "I want to be healthier" and I want to be more active with the kids" and "I want to live long enough to see them live their own lives" come into my mind everyday. I have every reason to kick it into high gear and "just get er' done".  

So then why am I wasting away in front of the computer on Facebook and other sites that do not need constant monitoring? Why am I not Taking charge of MY life and making ALL of the changes that I want to make?  Seriously, I need answers.... Anyone???? Okay, I know you can't answer that for me. Only I can.  Sometimes, I honestly think I am just too damn scared too.  What happens after the changes are made? What if I still feel this way? Will there always just be one more thing that I beat myself up over?  When will I actually be okay with myself? When will I WAKE UP?

Well maybe one day, I'll have answers to those questions. I do know that even though I may not do everything I want to be doing, I am doing something every day. I am moving in a direction better than the way I came from. I am NOT who I was a few months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago or even 20 years ago.  I am a better person and am learning to love myself, even if it has taken two decades of wear and tear, torture and sabotage. The questions may go unanswered for now but eventually, I'll have answers and then I'll have more questions. Apparently self growth is never ending. Fun times!  :P

Angela

Made my first goal and my second goal at the same time!

I hit my first goal of losing 40lbs! WOOT... It's been a struggle but I did it. I am now officially back under 200lbs for the second time since I was a teenager which was my second goal! I am so excited!!!!!!!!

Moving along.....

The last few weeks have been busy for me. My weight loss journey has been moving along slowly.  I had just over a week where I lost and regained the same two pounds.  I decided not to worry about it until after we got back from our family trip.  We were gone 5 days and went to Blackfoot and Utah to visit family.  I'm not gonna lie.  It was really rough on me. Had two bbq's, a dinner at my sisters house, four mornings worth of hot hotel breakfast and then a bunch of fast food places. TONS of things I couldn't eat or drink. Lots of throwing up because things did not sit well. Lots of frustrations and tension. Yeah it was fun! ;) This was my first experience with traveling after surgery.  Most days I felt like crying a ton. I know it will get easier for me though so I won't dwell.  The weight is starting to come off again since the trip at a slow pace. I think a slow pace is good for me though. It just feels right. 

I finally started exercising. Other than some small walks here and there, I haven't had time or energy to do much. I made the commitment to change that now that I have a little more free time. 

I am no longer employed, which has been a godsend this week. I have SO much homework to catch up on and a midterm to take. I really struggled with whether I was making the right choice to quit my job and focus on my master's degree but I am glad I did. I know things will work out perfectly.  After another round of looking at the 6 month budget, I am confident we can survive on Kory's income and my student loans (yay for student loans). I know that things are falling into place and I am choosing not to worry about it. :)

So for now, I can sit back and realize that things are moving along. I'm strolling up and down the hills of this journey and I realize that I am doing good.  I won't let little things get to me and I'm staying strong. I'm very thankful for my support system, who may get frustrated with me, but always stick with me through the ups and downs.  Thank you. 

Trekking on!

Things have been going good. Had my one month post op.  They're really happy with my results so far.  Found out the vitamins that I have been taking (the ones they tell you to take are gross) are NOT good at all and are missing alot of what I really need.  This explains my extreme tired and lethargic feeling.  I changed over to the nasty gross ones. They'd better be worth it.  :) I've been extremely happy so far.  I am still pushing hard on my fluids and protein and admit that most days I do not get what I am supposed to be getting in but each day gets a little better!  

One a different subject, I put in my two weeks notice to my employer!  WOOOOT... I am now just going to be at home with the kiddos.  I will actually be able to find time and energy to start doing things with them instead of just being here! I want to be out and active with them. I can manage to keep the house a little cleaner. 

I will also focus on being a full time Masters student which will allow myself actually study time!  I felt myself being pulled too tight  in too many areas and things like exercise and self care weren't happening at all.  That will all change! I WILL make time for ME to work on my goals.  I am beyond excited!  I am working on trying to create a daily schedule.  I seem to do a lot better when things are planned out. 

So as I continue to learn to adjust to a new way of living, I am also going to be adjusting to a change with not working! It's exciting to me!

So for now, I'm just trekking on and enjoying life! 

Angela

Just another day in paradise

So it's been almost one month since my surgery.  I'm down 24lbs and finally starting to feel okay.  I still have a very hard time eating anything as well as getting my liquids in but it will get better.  (Insert positive thinking here)

Emotionally, I think I am in that "What the F*** did I do stage".  The hardest part is the daily food.  There are days that I don't want to eat or drink anything. I get to feeling down about it.  I do realize that without having the surgery, I'd be eating everything in sight. I just have to keep telling myself that.

I have had some emotional stressors this week and I am sure that this is adding to the way I am feeling. I am figuring out that even when I am stressed or upset, my mind doesn't automatically decide I need food like before.  That's a good thing.  I just wish I could muster up the strength to start a new outlet to help with stress. I need to be exercising but haven't been doing that much.  My hip/leg has been killing me and I am allowing myself to use that as an excuse. (I did find out yesterday that there are no blood clots which was a big worry)

I think about exercising and then I start feeling guilty about not doing enough and then the cycle starts in.  I hate talking to family and friends about how I am feeling. I feel guilty for burdening them and often wonder what they are really thinking.  (You did this to yourself)

I had so many things that I told myself I was going to be doing after the surgery; daily exercise, activities with my kids, being a better wife :P, keeping the house cleaner, etc.... I'm slowly working on these but ashamed at how slow the progress is in this area.  It's all back to those damn excuses that I keep making and have made my entire life.  I'm smart enough to know that excuses just don't go away with a surgery procedure.

I know what I want to do. I just have to get motivated and get going faster on my goals and expectations. :)

Emotion overload

I've set here for a few days now trying to update this blog but words keep failing for me.  I have been on emotional overload the last week.  I can't seem to stick to one emotion for more than a few minutes and then the next emotion knocks me over.   I knew it would be hard making this big of an adjustment, but I don't think anyone can truly be prepared for the thoughts that come into the mind at time.   Anger, guilt, shame, frustration, joy, hope, sadness..... you name it and I can assure you it comes at least once an hour.  I have yet to come to terms with any of these emotions.  I can say that I no longer have the coping mechanisms that I used to have and have yet to create new ones so the emotions are just running rampant. I tell myself that I need to start physically working through these emotions.  I mean that's been the plan.  I am still struggling with activity though.  That's what one gets for being lazy.  :/   I am just over two weeks post surgery and I feel I should be able to start an exercise routine so tomorrow that is exactly what I am going to do.  I need 1 hour of activity a day. That leaves 23 hours for work, school, family and sleep.  I am hoping that once I start actively exercising some of these emotions will start to go away or at least I won't feel so overloaded and alone.  

On a different note, I am re-cooperating from surgery well. I am finally starting to sleep again and the pain from the incisions are almost gone.  I am still working on eating and drinking my liquid. I have a hard time with getting liquid in.  It's a constant push to take a drink of something. :) I start back to work this week so we shall see how that goes.  I am worried about how I will encompass my dietary requirements into the day. I have two days to develop a plan of action!  I will not be stopping anywhere to "grab" something so I need to plan ahead and be prepared for each day.  

Reading through this, I realize there are quite a few of "I need" in this.  I'm praying that I have the strength and courage to change the "I need" to "I am"!  :)

Old habits

So far, things have been running pretty smoothly since the surgery.  I switched to soy milk and have had considerable less pain and stomach issues which is nice.  My incisions are healing great! I am feeling pretty well.  I am still struggling with getting in my liquids each day and have to force myself to even take drinks because I never know if that drink will make my stomach hurt or not.  I have also not been sleeping.  My sleep aids are not helping at all.  I will have to go see my doctor about how to overcome that issue.  :(

I spent my yesterday running errands and shopping.  I have to say I didn't realize just how much of my life revolved around food and drinks.  I'm driving along and see a fast food joint.  "Oh we better stop, who knows what the rest of the day will be like."  Ummm... I'm certainly NOT hungry nor do I want food.  I realize that everyday was like that for me before.  I drive right by and continue with my day.  20 minutes later, I see a walgreens.  "I need to stop and grab something to snack on" WTH???? I have preconditioned myself to see certain places and need to stop there.  This is something that I can see now.  It certainly doesn't make it any easier.  I had an hour and a half to kill between two appointments yesterday.  Before, I would have found a place to eat and kill time.  That's no longer an option for me.  I decide to go window shopping which would get some activity in.  I went to a couple stores that I needed nothing from and just walked up and down the isles.  It killed the time for me and I got in some walking.  I will be better prepared next time for these thoughts in my head and look for ways to overcome them.

It did make me realize that my life is no longer the same. I'm excited and scared at the same time!  All I can tell myself is to hang on tight, don't let go and set back and enjoy the ride!

Angela

Well yesterday was not a good day afterall.

Yesterday was the first day of my full liquid diet, meaning that I can now have protein shakes, creamed soups, milk, pudding and yogurt. Well I started out the morning with a protein shake.  I had a hard time drinking the protein shake because I am simply not hungry.  I had also gone to the bathroom for the first time since before surgery (TMI) and was feeling the ill effects of that. I drink half of the shake and save the other half for lunch.  For dinner, I have cream of chicken soup with milk (skim).  I can only stomach a little of it.  By this time, I am starting to feel worse. I am still dealing with the bathroom issues as well.  I end the night with a few bites of pudding with protein mixed in because I am no where near the amount of protein that I should have started with.  :(  I am now supposed to be working my way up to 60 grams of protein a day.

Now, by the end of the night, I am in so much pain and discomfort that I am really not feeling well at all.  This leads me to a couple of theories.  One -  the shock of protein added to the bathroom issues just made for a very bad day or two - the milk in the items that I added did not do well with my stomach.  It is said that sometimes after surgery, people will have issues with milk.  So now I get the joy of testing to find out the cause.  Fun!

On a better note, today has been okay. I haven't had anything other than water though.  lol.  I am also down to 229lbs. It is nice to see progress so fast!  :)


Angela

So far so good!

Well the weekend is over.  It went okay.  I've had some issues with night time drinking as I'm used to drinking quite a bit throughout the night and doing that is not an option right now.  The few drinks I have during the night make me nauseous.  :/   I am no longer on pain meds as of Saturday night. I am just taking a Tylenol as needed.  I feel better being off the pain meds as they make me feel ucky.

Today is my first day of full liquids. I have been on a clear liquid diet since the day before surgery.   Right now I am drinking a protein shake. It's okay.  I'm not hungry in the slightest but I know that I am in great need of protein at this point so will do my best to get my protein requirements in.  :)  I am also allowed yogurt, soups (creamed) and pudding now.  Not sure if I will even make it to eating those with these protein shakes.  lol

I walked on Saturday and yesterday went to Walmart.  I probably overdid it a little too much by going to Walmart. I was tired and needed a nap when we got home.  Today I am going to focus on a couple small walks and some picking up.  I also need to get started back on school work as I did not even pick up a book last week.  I am planning on classing tomorrow night so need to get caught up.

Overall, I feel that things have been going good and am looking forward to continuing to heal and get more energy!

Angela

Home from the hospital!

Well I made it home from the hospital today! Everything is going good.  I feel good.  Not too sore but still some.  I'm happy with the progress so far.  Right on target with "my" plans.  lol.  I didn't want to stay in more than two days.   Trying to work on my fluids and make sure that I am drinking plenty!  I am still tired so I am gonna go take a nap in my own bed!  YAY...

Going home today!

The dr came in and said everything looks great and that I am doing awesome!  Yay.  I feel really good.  I'm sore but nothing too major.  He reminded me to take it easy but to remember "no rest for the weary".  He wants me up and doing my walks and starting my new life.  Have I mentioned that I love my dr.  :)  I feel blessed to have this new start and he's right.   It is time to start! 

I want to thank all of my loved ones and friends for the positive vibes, prayers and support!  I love you all! 

Hanging in there!

Well today went good!  I am up and moving around!  I am working on getting all of my liquids in. They just gave me a nice little cocktail to help me sleep! And I get to go home tomorrow!  Yay!  I need to figure out sleeping at home.  It helps to sleep at an incline and since we don't have a recliner, that might prove to be difficult!  We'll see how it goes though. Mentally I am doing good!  I'm excited and ready to get moving!  :) 

I'm worried about my best friend who's going in tomorrow for a surgery as well.  I know she'll be okay. Just wish I could be there for her. 

Well night all! Ill update in the morning!

Day two!

Well its 7:30 in the morning. I managed to get a tiny bit of sleep. Rather uncomfortable.  I did manage to get positioned on my side and slept better.  The pain has been okay. Not unbearable at least. Got up and walked last evening. Made it a full lap but started getting nauseous after one so called it good.   So happy all is going well.   Looking forward to talking to the doctor and make sure all the repair went well in surgery as well.

All went well!

Surgery went good.  I'm doing good. Managing the pain and already went for a walk around the hospital! Yay!   Getting ready to sleep for a bit!   Will update tomorrow. 

Today is the day!

Getting ready to head to the hospital! I will be posting pictures that I took this morning as a "reminder" of the armor I am letting go of!  I currently weigh in at 241 lbs.

And I'm off!

Tomorrow is the day!

The time has finally arrived. In just over 12 hours, I will be heading into the surgery room.  I'm a bit nervous but  I know that this is the right decision for me. I am looking forward to being pain free AND the start of the journey of my weight loss.  I am sure it will be rough but I am actually looking forward to using the tools being given to me.  I can not wait to find the person hidden within all of this body armor that I have begrudgingly held onto for so long. Those days are long over!  YAY!!!!

Getting nervous!

Well surgery is on Wednesday at 10:50.  My nerves are shot.  As of 12:00 AM (in just under two hours) I will be on a clear liquid only diet.  So NO food tomorrow.  I am going to be even more grumpy and whiny than I am now. (Hard to imagine) I am off of all of my medications which has brought my pain levels to barely bearable level. I'm tired from not sleeping. I also had to cut out caffeine as of last Friday.  All of these equal a very grumpy whiny Angela!  Fun times all around. I keep telling myself that its almost over and things will finally be on the mend! I am so looking forward to that!

Counting down the last 7 days!

My surgery date is exactly one week from today.  I'm excited, scared, nervous and...... Okay, at some point, every emotion possible has passed through me in the last month. I am sure it will get even worse as the countdown continues. I had my pre-op testing at the hospital today as well as the class on what to expect for surgery, hospital stay, and recovery.  Fun times! Recovery is scary.  Everything about the new life in store for me is scary.  It's also so very very very exciting!  I know the choice to have the gastric bypass is right for me and I intend to make the best of the tool that I am getting!

I wish the day was here already.  I know that not only am I going to have all of the issues that I have been dealing with for the last two years, as well as getting the help that I need to lose the weight is beyond emotional. I know these days are going to creep by sooooo slow.  :)