Ripples

So its been a month since I updated. Wow.   This month has been a huge struggle for me so I apologize for the lack of writing. I will try and update more often just in case there is anyone other than myself reading. lol (I know there are)

So October was a very rough month for me but I survived it and now it's November 1st. I found out through a MRI that I had a fragmented piece of my L5-S1 disk that had lodged into my sciatic nerve. That's whats been causing the severe pain in my butt, hip and left leg.  The surgeon was surprised that I was even able to walk. The problem required surgery, of course so within a week of finding out, I had a major back surgery. That was on the 17th.  I have to say that this being my 6th surgery in my life, that this has by far been the hardest in recovery. Two weeks out and I am still in quite a bit of pain in the incision area and deep in where they cut into my spinal canal, removed the bone covering it, dug out the piece and then sewed it up. The bone can't be replaced so now it has to heal on its own.  It's a horrible deep pain feeling. Two weeks and I'm still on pain pills which is really not like me at all. The plus side is that the pain I was feeling before the surgery is virtually gone. I still get pieces of it here and there but the surgeon said the nerve will take months to heal.

The pain from the nerve damage had started to get worse and worse since I had my gastric bypass.  I've been managing it but I fully admit I haven't been doing physical activities like I am supposed to be because of it. Yes, I did do my 5k and I'm truly amazed that I completed that with a chuck of disk in my nerve. After the surgery, I laid off eating right.  I started sneaking a chip or a piece of cookie here or there. A couple bites of pizza...... you get the point. Nothing like I was before the surgery but enough to make me feel guilty. Enough to put that thought in my head of "you're fucking this up Angela".  I did get back on track last week. I had a big heart to heart with myself and realized that I was getting somewhere with this weight loss and that I needed to buckle down and get back in the game. More importantly, I forgave myself and allowed myself to understand that it was not the end of the world and that I truly am doing good at what I need to be doing. I needed to know in my head that I was still on the right path. I also told myself that I am allowed to to take the time I need to heal and then I will get moving, literally.  :) I am not going to push myself and cause damage.  I need this time to heal so that this (crossing fingers) will be the last of surgeries and I can put the surgeons knife behind me.

Since getting back on track, I've lost the weight from having the surgery (you know that pump you full of fluid water retention weight), and have continued to lose.  I broke the 170 lb mark today and currently weigh 168.8.  I have not weight this since a teenage. This is huge for me. Furthermore according to my current weight and my height, I am now in the overweight category in the bmi chart with a 29.4 (yes that's the cusp but it is in the overweight category).  WOW.   Seeing that made me cry.

I know this is getting rather long but I've got more so bare with me. :)

I've come to realize that losing weight causes ripples in everything around me. It doesn't just affect me.  It affects so much more. This journey that I have been on has been extremely hard.  It's been hard on me but it's just as hard on the amazing people I have in my life. I worry about that effect often.  I know that even without the weight, I am still the person I was before. Hell, I still see myself physically as that person. (Here's to hoping someday, I can see the reflection that is actually in the mirror staring back at me) I am truly thankful that I started this journey. I am even more thankful for the loved ones that are walking beside me in this journey. Things aren't always easy but I know they know that I'm still Angela.  Weight won't change who I am. As this armor continues to come off, Angela will still be Angela. The ripples are ripples and I'm thankful that they're not waves or tsunami waves!  I am beyond thankful that each and everyone person in my life loves me and knows that I love them.  There is no way I could do this without that love and support.  I know that my loved ones struggle with their own struggles. Support is important in any struggle. I'm thankful that I am able to give support and love.  It's part of who I am and that won't ever change either. :)

Okay... I'll stop for now. I know this is long! I promise to try and write smaller ones and write them more often. :0

Angela