In a flash

“I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself.” ― Rosamund Lupton

It's amazing at how much one can work so hard and make so many changes and fight to overcome so many battles just to have one glimpse shatter it; gone in a flash; in one recognition from the past. Five minutes in hell seems like an eternity when the past comes crashing down on you and you can't breathe. You can't think. You become that deer in a headlight with all these thoughts racing through your head.

You see, for some, the chance to leave the guilt and shame of a lifetime behind comes and they are strong enough to grasp a hold and leave guilt and shame in the dust without ever looking back. Others feel in order to really pay for their mistakes and suffering caused, that guilt and shame must be lived daily.  For some,  it may feel like we've finally gotten past those feelings and have let go of all of the mental self mutilation behind. Hell, we actually believe that we've grown and learned from those mistakes that we made throughout our lives that caused that eternity of pain for so many.

Then it happens.... In a flash, I'm reminded that all of the pain and hurt that I endured was a direct result of my own doing. My choices in this life have lead me through hell. My poor choices led me through the doors to a table of guilt and shame in all varieties, forms and tastes. A life of gluttony with more than just bad eating habits; choice after choice acting as mortar in the bricks of the wall I built around myself.  Choice after choice creating the guilt and shame that became my body armor both mentally and physically. That body armor is the same that I have struggled with and bloodied my knuckles to tear down, piece by piece, day by day, choice by choice.

It amazes me that such determination, will and endurance to change can be cracked with just a flash of pain from the past. That gasping for air because I'm drowning all over again and then the remembrance and familiarity of the waves of guilt and shame washes over.  That familiarity that was home for so long. In a flash, it could become the comfort of home once more.

In my life, I have made many choices and I live the result of said choices every day.  Betrayal, regret, guilt, shame.... They are emotions caused by many of my choices. Those same choices, though have given me the chance to make choices that I wouldn't change. Choices that despite the pain, suffering and hardship have given me a fighting chance in this thing called life.

Just this morning, I was reminded that life's betrayals happen for the greater good; for growth. It was a truly ironic day for such a sermon this morning. Never, would I have imagined that I would be reminded in a much harsher way, just hours later, that unless I am constantly removing bricks, piece by piece, the walls and the body armor will rebuild itself. This battle that I fight every second will never truly be over. There will never be a winning flag to wave at the end of the war, claiming final victory.

I was also reminded today that there will never be a white flag waved either. I will fight this battle within, till my death. I will battle guilt and shame and work to keep the walls and armor torn down, day in and day out to make sure that the person I am today remains and that the person that once was is just someone that once was.  Today I find comfort in knowing that my knuckles may always be bloodied but those walls and my armor will not be rebuilt. I continue to be take it down brick by brick, piece by piece, day by day.

~Angela

"Look at me" NOT

When you're a fat girl, one of your worst fears is people looking at you or staring at you. You worry about going into stores. You really worry about exercising because god, what would those thin bitches think.  Realistically, you do everything you can not not be noticed.  Somehow, I thought that would all change as I lost weight and oddly enough, I still hear those same voices in my head even now. Sometimes their different, "she's not really one of us" or "she did it the easy way so it doesn't count". Other times, I hear the same stuff I did before. Stuff like "she's way too fat for those clothes" or "should she be eating that".    One day, someday, I hope the voices in my head go away.  I'd like to say they will but who knows, really.

Today, I weighed in and I made it into the high 120's. (128.6).  One would think I would be able to carry off the attitude of "look at me" like the skinny girls do. You see the problem with that, is that I don't consider myself skinny.  Yeah, I get it. I know the scales say I am. I know everyone around me sees me as skinny. It gets pointed out often (sometimes not in a nice way) but still, my brain hasn't caught up to everyone else. I "didn't get the memo" so to speak.

The "Breaking out of the armor" title means something to me. For me, breaking out of this armor that I have carried decades means more than just losing weight. For me, it is as much an internal armor as it is a physical armor that I hide behind. I have left many many pieces of that armor (both internal and external) laying behind on the road of this journey.  I have more to leave behind still. It is much harder to leave the internal armor behind as it protects me so much from pain and hurt and emotions that I simply don't like feeling. I will get there though, one piece of armor at a time, until I am really ready to say "look at me, no more armor".

I started this blog to remind me of my journey. I wanted to look back from the beginning and throughout the journey and see my struggles, my fears, my accomplishments.  I am extremely thankful that I started this blog. It really helps me reflect back and it really helps me to see "me" now. I look at others on their weight loss journeys and it gives me hope and strength knowing that they are working hard and one day will look back and see how far they have come. Some may struggle with it like me, others may not. Either way, I hope that they are keeping a journal/blog of their own journey to reflect upon.

Today, my reflection is of this. If I were to lose eight more pounds, I will have lost HALF of myself. That's insane, truly, truly, insane. It's hard to grasp your mind around. Now I'm not looking to lose eight more pounds. I want to start building muscle and level out about the weight I am at now. I'm sure I'll lose a little more but then muscle weight will kick in and hopefully balance me out. That's the game plan anyway. :D

As I end this entry, to those reading my blog, take the time to reflect often on whatever journey in life you're on. Shell shock is still shell shock even if no one else can see or understand it but you.  :D

Before taken May 16th at 241 lbs

 Taken March 2nd at 128.6 lbs