Naked (not literally)

As I struggle through today, I find my thoughts constantly wandering back over not only the last five years but also the years before that.  Up until four months ago, I would have stuffed my face full of food to mask the pain of those memories and thoughts. I would have been on my third or forth binge session by now. Today however, that is not only no longer an option but its not a desire for me either. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep the day away. I got up instead. I wanted to go back to bed. I did not.  I sat here at my computer and instead of eating and hiding behind my armor, I shared with my husband. I forced myself not to mask myself and pretend to be okay. I instead took off the armor and stood "unprotected" all day. This is a new concept for me. I spent a bit of the morning rereading entries from my diary over the last five years.  That person that wrote in that diary was so full of anger and pain and she wore her armor every second of every day. BUT she felt so much safer in that armor. When you're naked, there's no protection. There's nothing to hide the raw emotion that comes in a fleeing second.  There is no safety. 

Does this mean that the armor means safety for me or is it a false safety net? Decades of armor (both mentally and physically) have only damaged my self worth and my relationships with others. My physical armor (weight) is coming off quickly.  I'll be honest. I am SCARED TO DEATH. Why?  Who the hell knows?  I certainly don't. I wish I could put into words why I am scared about being thinner. It doesn't mean I am giving up though. I will continue to lose weight and someday I know I'll be able to look back and grasp what I was afraid of and laugh at it.  

I still try to hold onto my mental armor.  After all, it is my safety net. I have to remind myself to be more open and vulnerable. I wish it came more naturally.  That fear of pain is always there though. That fear that someone will hurt me never goes away.  The battle scars run too deep.  But just like the physical armor I wear, I know that my mental armor has done enough damage and it needs to be retired, so I continue to work on wearing it less and less. 

I am very thankful that I have so much support in my life. My husband is my soul. He continues to support me and be patient with me. My best friend, Dawn, is my rock.  Just hearing her voice makes me regain strength. My family has always supported me.  My closest friends are always there to lend positivism and support.  I couldn't ask for any more love and encouragement.  I know that when I struggle, I won't have to by myself.  It is okay for me to let go of the armor.