Broken

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I am having a very hard time right now. There are areas in my life that are going great.  I'm doing good with my weight loss.  I'm dedicated to staying positive and pushing through.  There are things that I am really struggling with right now.  For me, this is extremely hard because so many around me are really really struggling right now. I feel like such a loser for even thinking that my struggles are there because others are hurting and I need to focus on helping them. For those that don't know me well, this thinking is part of me. I'm a helper. I've been blessed with the ability to be a support to others and Its my life goal to continue to do that. I'm not one to share when I am having a really hard time. I should be the rock. But right now, I don't feel that strong. I'm still struggling with pain from my back surgery. I worry every day about not properly managing that pain. I struggle with addiction (hence the need for the gastric bypass in the first place). They tell us over and over again to watch out for transfer addictions. They drill it into our heads that its a huge danger.  Perhaps that's why I'm so scared that I'm still on pain meds three weeks after the surgery.  I know I'm not abusing them. One every 6-8 hours is as prescribed by the dr. I am down to even less but it scares me that I still have to take them for the pain. I tried stopping yesterday.  Took my last one at 7:30 am. I sat through a day of homework and research hunting. I went to class and sat through class. I came home and went to bed without one even though I was hurting and wanted one. By 1:00 A.M, I woke up in so much pain that I wanted to cry. I couldn't get comfortable. I tried for almost an hour before breaking down and taking one. Then the panic attack came. A stupid panic attack over the pain and the freaking pain pill.  Man, I'm a mess. So after taking my anxiety meds and playing on the computer, while waiting for the meds to kick in, I finally made it back to bed, completely broken. I was filled with such disappointment with myself. Broken....

Add the stress of that into everything else that is going on and it makes me feel even more broken.  I'm struggling with school right now. This semester has been extremely rough on me. Hard classes and new work on the project they require us to do before we can graduate with our Masters degree.  I feel at times that I just want to walk away.  To give up that destiny of being a counselor. I can't make it through school. It's an empty dream.  I know everyone one feels this way when school gets hard. I'm not giving up. I can't give up. My husband and girls are depending on me to finish. I won't let them down. That doesn't mean that I don't think about just walking away, getting a job and just living life with a job instead of the dream I've always wanted. It's a damn good thing, I'm not a quitter. I've been through rougher times and hung my head high even though I was dying inside. I know I can do the same now. I need to do that now.  I see the struggles that my husband endures at work because he knows its short term. He's counting on me. I'm counting on me.  

I am broken. Realistically, everyone of us is broken. The good news is that we're not shattered into a million pieces. I can live with broken. I know this broken me is loved by so many. Its days like today that seem overwhelming and impossible but I know anything is possible. I've lived through the impossibles in life. I've survived. I've endured and I've succeeded.

I'm surrounded in life by people I love intensely.  Their struggles are my struggles. Each struggle is also mine.  They know that I've got their back. And even more so they know that I can do that, even though I struggle. While this post isn't a typical one for me, it helped me realize that I am okay. My loved ones struggling right now are okay. The struggles in life are life. Broken or not, life still hands each of us struggles. Broken is okay. Broken is expected. Broken is the new normal. The good news is that we ALL have a huge support system that will make sure we don't shatter. We won't shatter.  WE WON"T SHATTER.  I swear!

~Always,
Angela

"Some day we shall learn to lay our burdens on the altar of Love, that they may be consumed by the fire of faith in the Living Spirit."  — The Science of Mind, page 335