It may seem like I've been missing in action. In reality, I have. The last few months have been extremely rough, both physically and mentally. I'll admit there were times when I didn't think I'd pull through or even want to pull through.
As of May 28th, I've now had four back surgeries since October. Two of those were within two weeks apart. Now having had eight total surgeries in my life, back surgeries are by far the worst. I wish I could describe what one goes through but there are no words. The issues I have had with my back and the damage it has caused to my nerve (which is still trying to repair itself and is causing constant pain still) has overwhelmed me more than I ever thought possible. I have faith that back surgeries are a thing of the past and I can finally start to heal the damage done to my body and move forward.
After the last MRI (right before the surgery on May 28th), I was told by my neurosurgeon that my body itself is causing the fragment distruction. You see, I was down too 112-114 lbs. I wasn't eating/drinking my protien or much of anything really, I wasn't taking the special vitamines and calcium required after the gastric bypass (they're expensive and I thought I could get away without them). In essence, I was causing severe maltruition to my body which is breaking down the disk in my back. This hit me hard. I'll admit, I've been squirling in a pool of severe depression the last few months. These last two surgeries caused that spiral to speed up. I had to put internship on hold for the summer and that was beyond devasting for me. It made me feel like my goal, my dream of graduation and becoming a counseler were on the verge of being taken away from me.
After the surgery, I started taking the supplyements and eating again. I still struggle with eating, as hunger is a big issue for me. I'm slowly gaining weight and am waiting so patiently for the dr to give the go ahead to start working out. I need to build muscle. I have none. I'm literly like a corpse or thats how I feel at times. I know that I get to do this stuff to save my life. You see, there is a flip side to the surgery. I never thought that I would lose this much weight. My one year anniverary was May 16th and I was at 118 lbs at that time. From 241 lbs to 118 lbs in a year. Now some may wish for such good weight loss and some may be jealous of the weight loss, but I warn you it comes with great risk. Both physically and mentally.
Mentally, I have no clue who I am anymore. Who is Angela Taylor? I've struggled to figure out who I am. I know pieces of me. I have lost other pieces of me. I can't seem to find them and I'm struggling mentally and emotionally because of it. So many other things have happened these last few months that I haven't handled well because I have not been in a good frame of mind. Decisions made, people hurt, me retreating into my armor again because its safe there and hurt is too much right now.
But I can't keep doing that. I GET to pull myself out of this shelter of bricks that I've built again. I get to pull the armor that I started putting back on off and I get to start living again. I haven't been living and I'm missing out greatly. All too often, people see only the negative things going on in their life. That has never been who I am and yet, I have found myself there. I will get myself out of there! I have a huge support system that is standing by me no matter how many battles I have to work through. I am very blessed to know that I am loved despite the damage and depression that I have put out into the world these last few months. My amazing husband and children have been patient and understanding and helpful. Most importantly, they've stood by my side and I am truly thankful for that. My amazing family and friends have supported me, pushed me to get out of my funk and most inportantly, put things into perspective that things could be so much worse and that I need to start living and be there for my children, Kory, and my loved ones. It's amazing at what someone telling you to "suck it up" (in a very nice way) will do for you. :D
So even though the pain is constant, and the desire to just lay in bed and sleep the day away (hidden) is still there sometimes (most times) I will fight the urge, get my shit together, and battle through this because that is what I do. I'm a strong, independant woman with goals in life. I know that much about me. It's a start to find out more about myself and to grow and learn who I really am. :D
And for now, I close with Namaste'.
Angela
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