Made my first goal and my second goal at the same time!

I hit my first goal of losing 40lbs! WOOT... It's been a struggle but I did it. I am now officially back under 200lbs for the second time since I was a teenager which was my second goal! I am so excited!!!!!!!!

Moving along.....

The last few weeks have been busy for me. My weight loss journey has been moving along slowly.  I had just over a week where I lost and regained the same two pounds.  I decided not to worry about it until after we got back from our family trip.  We were gone 5 days and went to Blackfoot and Utah to visit family.  I'm not gonna lie.  It was really rough on me. Had two bbq's, a dinner at my sisters house, four mornings worth of hot hotel breakfast and then a bunch of fast food places. TONS of things I couldn't eat or drink. Lots of throwing up because things did not sit well. Lots of frustrations and tension. Yeah it was fun! ;) This was my first experience with traveling after surgery.  Most days I felt like crying a ton. I know it will get easier for me though so I won't dwell.  The weight is starting to come off again since the trip at a slow pace. I think a slow pace is good for me though. It just feels right. 

I finally started exercising. Other than some small walks here and there, I haven't had time or energy to do much. I made the commitment to change that now that I have a little more free time. 

I am no longer employed, which has been a godsend this week. I have SO much homework to catch up on and a midterm to take. I really struggled with whether I was making the right choice to quit my job and focus on my master's degree but I am glad I did. I know things will work out perfectly.  After another round of looking at the 6 month budget, I am confident we can survive on Kory's income and my student loans (yay for student loans). I know that things are falling into place and I am choosing not to worry about it. :)

So for now, I can sit back and realize that things are moving along. I'm strolling up and down the hills of this journey and I realize that I am doing good.  I won't let little things get to me and I'm staying strong. I'm very thankful for my support system, who may get frustrated with me, but always stick with me through the ups and downs.  Thank you. 

Trekking on!

Things have been going good. Had my one month post op.  They're really happy with my results so far.  Found out the vitamins that I have been taking (the ones they tell you to take are gross) are NOT good at all and are missing alot of what I really need.  This explains my extreme tired and lethargic feeling.  I changed over to the nasty gross ones. They'd better be worth it.  :) I've been extremely happy so far.  I am still pushing hard on my fluids and protein and admit that most days I do not get what I am supposed to be getting in but each day gets a little better!  

One a different subject, I put in my two weeks notice to my employer!  WOOOOT... I am now just going to be at home with the kiddos.  I will actually be able to find time and energy to start doing things with them instead of just being here! I want to be out and active with them. I can manage to keep the house a little cleaner. 

I will also focus on being a full time Masters student which will allow myself actually study time!  I felt myself being pulled too tight  in too many areas and things like exercise and self care weren't happening at all.  That will all change! I WILL make time for ME to work on my goals.  I am beyond excited!  I am working on trying to create a daily schedule.  I seem to do a lot better when things are planned out. 

So as I continue to learn to adjust to a new way of living, I am also going to be adjusting to a change with not working! It's exciting to me!

So for now, I'm just trekking on and enjoying life! 

Angela

Just another day in paradise

So it's been almost one month since my surgery.  I'm down 24lbs and finally starting to feel okay.  I still have a very hard time eating anything as well as getting my liquids in but it will get better.  (Insert positive thinking here)

Emotionally, I think I am in that "What the F*** did I do stage".  The hardest part is the daily food.  There are days that I don't want to eat or drink anything. I get to feeling down about it.  I do realize that without having the surgery, I'd be eating everything in sight. I just have to keep telling myself that.

I have had some emotional stressors this week and I am sure that this is adding to the way I am feeling. I am figuring out that even when I am stressed or upset, my mind doesn't automatically decide I need food like before.  That's a good thing.  I just wish I could muster up the strength to start a new outlet to help with stress. I need to be exercising but haven't been doing that much.  My hip/leg has been killing me and I am allowing myself to use that as an excuse. (I did find out yesterday that there are no blood clots which was a big worry)

I think about exercising and then I start feeling guilty about not doing enough and then the cycle starts in.  I hate talking to family and friends about how I am feeling. I feel guilty for burdening them and often wonder what they are really thinking.  (You did this to yourself)

I had so many things that I told myself I was going to be doing after the surgery; daily exercise, activities with my kids, being a better wife :P, keeping the house cleaner, etc.... I'm slowly working on these but ashamed at how slow the progress is in this area.  It's all back to those damn excuses that I keep making and have made my entire life.  I'm smart enough to know that excuses just don't go away with a surgery procedure.

I know what I want to do. I just have to get motivated and get going faster on my goals and expectations. :)

Emotion overload

I've set here for a few days now trying to update this blog but words keep failing for me.  I have been on emotional overload the last week.  I can't seem to stick to one emotion for more than a few minutes and then the next emotion knocks me over.   I knew it would be hard making this big of an adjustment, but I don't think anyone can truly be prepared for the thoughts that come into the mind at time.   Anger, guilt, shame, frustration, joy, hope, sadness..... you name it and I can assure you it comes at least once an hour.  I have yet to come to terms with any of these emotions.  I can say that I no longer have the coping mechanisms that I used to have and have yet to create new ones so the emotions are just running rampant. I tell myself that I need to start physically working through these emotions.  I mean that's been the plan.  I am still struggling with activity though.  That's what one gets for being lazy.  :/   I am just over two weeks post surgery and I feel I should be able to start an exercise routine so tomorrow that is exactly what I am going to do.  I need 1 hour of activity a day. That leaves 23 hours for work, school, family and sleep.  I am hoping that once I start actively exercising some of these emotions will start to go away or at least I won't feel so overloaded and alone.  

On a different note, I am re-cooperating from surgery well. I am finally starting to sleep again and the pain from the incisions are almost gone.  I am still working on eating and drinking my liquid. I have a hard time with getting liquid in.  It's a constant push to take a drink of something. :) I start back to work this week so we shall see how that goes.  I am worried about how I will encompass my dietary requirements into the day. I have two days to develop a plan of action!  I will not be stopping anywhere to "grab" something so I need to plan ahead and be prepared for each day.  

Reading through this, I realize there are quite a few of "I need" in this.  I'm praying that I have the strength and courage to change the "I need" to "I am"!  :)

Old habits

So far, things have been running pretty smoothly since the surgery.  I switched to soy milk and have had considerable less pain and stomach issues which is nice.  My incisions are healing great! I am feeling pretty well.  I am still struggling with getting in my liquids each day and have to force myself to even take drinks because I never know if that drink will make my stomach hurt or not.  I have also not been sleeping.  My sleep aids are not helping at all.  I will have to go see my doctor about how to overcome that issue.  :(

I spent my yesterday running errands and shopping.  I have to say I didn't realize just how much of my life revolved around food and drinks.  I'm driving along and see a fast food joint.  "Oh we better stop, who knows what the rest of the day will be like."  Ummm... I'm certainly NOT hungry nor do I want food.  I realize that everyday was like that for me before.  I drive right by and continue with my day.  20 minutes later, I see a walgreens.  "I need to stop and grab something to snack on" WTH???? I have preconditioned myself to see certain places and need to stop there.  This is something that I can see now.  It certainly doesn't make it any easier.  I had an hour and a half to kill between two appointments yesterday.  Before, I would have found a place to eat and kill time.  That's no longer an option for me.  I decide to go window shopping which would get some activity in.  I went to a couple stores that I needed nothing from and just walked up and down the isles.  It killed the time for me and I got in some walking.  I will be better prepared next time for these thoughts in my head and look for ways to overcome them.

It did make me realize that my life is no longer the same. I'm excited and scared at the same time!  All I can tell myself is to hang on tight, don't let go and set back and enjoy the ride!

Angela

Well yesterday was not a good day afterall.

Yesterday was the first day of my full liquid diet, meaning that I can now have protein shakes, creamed soups, milk, pudding and yogurt. Well I started out the morning with a protein shake.  I had a hard time drinking the protein shake because I am simply not hungry.  I had also gone to the bathroom for the first time since before surgery (TMI) and was feeling the ill effects of that. I drink half of the shake and save the other half for lunch.  For dinner, I have cream of chicken soup with milk (skim).  I can only stomach a little of it.  By this time, I am starting to feel worse. I am still dealing with the bathroom issues as well.  I end the night with a few bites of pudding with protein mixed in because I am no where near the amount of protein that I should have started with.  :(  I am now supposed to be working my way up to 60 grams of protein a day.

Now, by the end of the night, I am in so much pain and discomfort that I am really not feeling well at all.  This leads me to a couple of theories.  One -  the shock of protein added to the bathroom issues just made for a very bad day or two - the milk in the items that I added did not do well with my stomach.  It is said that sometimes after surgery, people will have issues with milk.  So now I get the joy of testing to find out the cause.  Fun!

On a better note, today has been okay. I haven't had anything other than water though.  lol.  I am also down to 229lbs. It is nice to see progress so fast!  :)


Angela

So far so good!

Well the weekend is over.  It went okay.  I've had some issues with night time drinking as I'm used to drinking quite a bit throughout the night and doing that is not an option right now.  The few drinks I have during the night make me nauseous.  :/   I am no longer on pain meds as of Saturday night. I am just taking a Tylenol as needed.  I feel better being off the pain meds as they make me feel ucky.

Today is my first day of full liquids. I have been on a clear liquid diet since the day before surgery.   Right now I am drinking a protein shake. It's okay.  I'm not hungry in the slightest but I know that I am in great need of protein at this point so will do my best to get my protein requirements in.  :)  I am also allowed yogurt, soups (creamed) and pudding now.  Not sure if I will even make it to eating those with these protein shakes.  lol

I walked on Saturday and yesterday went to Walmart.  I probably overdid it a little too much by going to Walmart. I was tired and needed a nap when we got home.  Today I am going to focus on a couple small walks and some picking up.  I also need to get started back on school work as I did not even pick up a book last week.  I am planning on classing tomorrow night so need to get caught up.

Overall, I feel that things have been going good and am looking forward to continuing to heal and get more energy!

Angela

Home from the hospital!

Well I made it home from the hospital today! Everything is going good.  I feel good.  Not too sore but still some.  I'm happy with the progress so far.  Right on target with "my" plans.  lol.  I didn't want to stay in more than two days.   Trying to work on my fluids and make sure that I am drinking plenty!  I am still tired so I am gonna go take a nap in my own bed!  YAY...

Going home today!

The dr came in and said everything looks great and that I am doing awesome!  Yay.  I feel really good.  I'm sore but nothing too major.  He reminded me to take it easy but to remember "no rest for the weary".  He wants me up and doing my walks and starting my new life.  Have I mentioned that I love my dr.  :)  I feel blessed to have this new start and he's right.   It is time to start! 

I want to thank all of my loved ones and friends for the positive vibes, prayers and support!  I love you all! 

Hanging in there!

Well today went good!  I am up and moving around!  I am working on getting all of my liquids in. They just gave me a nice little cocktail to help me sleep! And I get to go home tomorrow!  Yay!  I need to figure out sleeping at home.  It helps to sleep at an incline and since we don't have a recliner, that might prove to be difficult!  We'll see how it goes though. Mentally I am doing good!  I'm excited and ready to get moving!  :) 

I'm worried about my best friend who's going in tomorrow for a surgery as well.  I know she'll be okay. Just wish I could be there for her. 

Well night all! Ill update in the morning!

Day two!

Well its 7:30 in the morning. I managed to get a tiny bit of sleep. Rather uncomfortable.  I did manage to get positioned on my side and slept better.  The pain has been okay. Not unbearable at least. Got up and walked last evening. Made it a full lap but started getting nauseous after one so called it good.   So happy all is going well.   Looking forward to talking to the doctor and make sure all the repair went well in surgery as well.

All went well!

Surgery went good.  I'm doing good. Managing the pain and already went for a walk around the hospital! Yay!   Getting ready to sleep for a bit!   Will update tomorrow. 

Today is the day!

Getting ready to head to the hospital! I will be posting pictures that I took this morning as a "reminder" of the armor I am letting go of!  I currently weigh in at 241 lbs.

And I'm off!

Tomorrow is the day!

The time has finally arrived. In just over 12 hours, I will be heading into the surgery room.  I'm a bit nervous but  I know that this is the right decision for me. I am looking forward to being pain free AND the start of the journey of my weight loss.  I am sure it will be rough but I am actually looking forward to using the tools being given to me.  I can not wait to find the person hidden within all of this body armor that I have begrudgingly held onto for so long. Those days are long over!  YAY!!!!

Getting nervous!

Well surgery is on Wednesday at 10:50.  My nerves are shot.  As of 12:00 AM (in just under two hours) I will be on a clear liquid only diet.  So NO food tomorrow.  I am going to be even more grumpy and whiny than I am now. (Hard to imagine) I am off of all of my medications which has brought my pain levels to barely bearable level. I'm tired from not sleeping. I also had to cut out caffeine as of last Friday.  All of these equal a very grumpy whiny Angela!  Fun times all around. I keep telling myself that its almost over and things will finally be on the mend! I am so looking forward to that!

Counting down the last 7 days!

My surgery date is exactly one week from today.  I'm excited, scared, nervous and...... Okay, at some point, every emotion possible has passed through me in the last month. I am sure it will get even worse as the countdown continues. I had my pre-op testing at the hospital today as well as the class on what to expect for surgery, hospital stay, and recovery.  Fun times! Recovery is scary.  Everything about the new life in store for me is scary.  It's also so very very very exciting!  I know the choice to have the gastric bypass is right for me and I intend to make the best of the tool that I am getting!

I wish the day was here already.  I know that not only am I going to have all of the issues that I have been dealing with for the last two years, as well as getting the help that I need to lose the weight is beyond emotional. I know these days are going to creep by sooooo slow.  :)